I just read one of my blogs from about two years ago about my parents deciding to give their marriage another shot and they I would play no role in their marriage and take a step back from it all...
God I'm stupid.
Manipulated by my own parents.
How stupid. I didnt even realise until I sat at the dinner table last Sunday and realised they had been manipulating to become more involved in their marriage and help them by being their mediator, their counsellor, not just their daughter.
You can imagine how angry and stupid I feel now.
So at the table, I lowered my head and waited for the talking to stop and then felt a wave of disappointment, anger and hurt (along with a lot of tears) come over me. I felt broken.
Today is Thursday and its been four days since I spoke to either of them and I feel better. I starting to feel myself again. I don't care about what happens next because it's not my problem. I love them and they are wonderful, funny and crazy people (crazy in a good way) but right now they can't see anything in fog and I don't want to help them through it.
I feel like a cold bitch. I feel guilty. But I know its not my responsibility and they have to learn to leave me be and let me be their daughter, not their mediator, their counsellor or their friend.
Hopefully they find what they are looking for.
They have already had an impact on my past, I don't want it to affect my future.
I am actually slightly scared it might be - or has already - affected my future and how I intepret everything around me but I am lucky I have a wonderful and lovely man, and friends, who are are supporting me and bringing a smile to my face.
It has been a hard couple of days but onwards, and upwards.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
I still cant decide yet...
Why is it so hard for me to know if I like my job yet?
Its been four months and I'm still a bit meh about it.
I'm not excited about coming into work. I'm bursting to come in every morning.
I realised that I don't to work in my industry any more but I want to work in the organisation I work in. How odd is that. You think it would be the other way around. I know there are so many opportunities for me across the organisation but in terms of the job itself, it doesn't excite me. In fact, it leaves me feeling flat. And that is what annoys me the most because I can't shake it off.
Some people just come into work, do their job, go home. And their outside life is what fulfils excites them and inspires them. My outside life does just that. Is it too much to ask for my work to do the same? Me thinks, yes.
I know you can't love your job every day. Some days are going test you, some days are going to drive you mad but the majority of it should excite you. Make you believe you are doing good in the world.
I work in an organisation that is actually making a real difference to people. Its putting food in their mouth, a roof over their head and a helping hand. What i say, is exactly what it does. My old job only touted that but it only hindered and made life a lot more difficult for people, not better.
I also concede its only four months and its too soon to tell. But i want to snap out of this whiny attitude that I have because I don't like and I am sure the people around me are getting a little tired of hearing it... even though they would never say and indulge me by letting my have a little whine, here and there.
Still, I don't like hearing so i decided that enough is enough. Just get in there, do my job, and maybe one day soon (when i least expect it) something will shift and I will know. It was always going to be an issue when you make your hobby, your job.
Anyway a job is a job. It doesn't define you but if you are spending eight hours a day there, it better inspire you.
Its been four months and I'm still a bit meh about it.
I'm not excited about coming into work. I'm bursting to come in every morning.
I realised that I don't to work in my industry any more but I want to work in the organisation I work in. How odd is that. You think it would be the other way around. I know there are so many opportunities for me across the organisation but in terms of the job itself, it doesn't excite me. In fact, it leaves me feeling flat. And that is what annoys me the most because I can't shake it off.
Some people just come into work, do their job, go home. And their outside life is what fulfils excites them and inspires them. My outside life does just that. Is it too much to ask for my work to do the same? Me thinks, yes.
I know you can't love your job every day. Some days are going test you, some days are going to drive you mad but the majority of it should excite you. Make you believe you are doing good in the world.
I work in an organisation that is actually making a real difference to people. Its putting food in their mouth, a roof over their head and a helping hand. What i say, is exactly what it does. My old job only touted that but it only hindered and made life a lot more difficult for people, not better.
I also concede its only four months and its too soon to tell. But i want to snap out of this whiny attitude that I have because I don't like and I am sure the people around me are getting a little tired of hearing it... even though they would never say and indulge me by letting my have a little whine, here and there.
Still, I don't like hearing so i decided that enough is enough. Just get in there, do my job, and maybe one day soon (when i least expect it) something will shift and I will know. It was always going to be an issue when you make your hobby, your job.
Anyway a job is a job. It doesn't define you but if you are spending eight hours a day there, it better inspire you.
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