I can't do this... I need a drink if we are going to do this!!!

Ok so after a helicopter and four hours of Vegas outlet shopping, our feet and our wallets are tired. 

After resting up, we head out to the World of M&Ms. Four floors of chocolate and chocolate accessories. Oh yes. Four floors. Surprisingly, we didn't buy anything because it was quite expensive for chocolate. I did see raspberry filled M&Ms, Peanut Butter M&Ms, Pretzel M&Ms... i can keep going. There were so many different kinds of M&Ms. 

We walked for a little more and then stumbled upon, terror. Well for me, terror. For the boyfriend, sheer delight. The Goretorium. So I should explain what the Goretorium is exactly. It is the brainchild of horror writer/director, Eli Roth, and is a self-guided horror walk where everything starts in lobby, where you sit in a chair and get slightly shocked from electricity, while two women dressed in horror gear, smiling beside you. 

They have actors throughout the walk who depict all characters from different horror movies, including men with chain saws, butcher knives, zombies, the dude from Addams family, along with special effects and all things that are aimed at scaring the bejesus out of you. The walk included a zombie wedding and a wedding party where the table had maggots on it, while someone was eating their stomach. I was so scared. 

I clawed at the boyfriend's arms, neck, anything I could latch on to, while screaming like a hyena. It was f**king scary. There is no easy way to say it. It scared the crap out of me. So much so that my top was so wet that I scared myself that much. 

After we eventually got out of the walk, I begged for a drink to calm me down, while one of our newly met friends, ran to bathroom. 

I was so terrified that I ended up sculling my beer to calm my heart down. It was thundering away. I have never been so scared in my life. And when I turned to my boyfriend, he was smiling away, cool as a cucumber. Nothing. He was calm. Not scared. Not screaming. Not seeing black dots, or clutching at his chest. Just smiling away like it was nothing. He did enjoy himself, I'll say that. I enjoyed it on a different level... after it was finished. That was the best part. :-) 

I do have to say that the horror walk was done very well and it did its job. 

If it's job was to make me nearly wet myself, then a job well done. 

Over and out

Today we booked ourselves a helicopter ride through the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam... it was

Wait for it...

LEGENDARY!

I cannot describe how cool it was. This feeling only came after we took off. In the lead up to the flight, I was nervous and clinging to my boyfriend and pretending all is well, while trying to keep my breakfast down. I was little nervous to say the least. So after going through the safety features of the helicopter, we buckle up and wait for take off, only for warning lights to light up and everything stopped. At this point, my nerves were still at a high. We were told that the warning lights were a minor issue but to be safe we would jump into another helicopter.




After going through the checks again, we were off and floating through the air. It was pretty cool. I had a head set and everything. The pilot even had Top Gun music playing in the background as we took off. Lame but I bought it! We saw the red valleys, Hoover Dam, and the main course, Grand Canyon!

                                               

It was just stunning! We went at midday so it was nice and warm, and sun was out. We also got a ride over the Vegas strip. Just perfect. I loved. It was the highlight for me. I really loved the trip through the Canyon and red mountains. 

After our helicopter ride, we head to my mecca. Outlets. Outlets. Outlets. Vegas outlets too. Only the best. I was so pumped and excited, that all I could do was take it all in. I managed to nab some good bargains but not as many as my boyfriend, who did not spend that much and bought up big. He had more bags than I did. That's cool man. Just not cool. LOL. We had Tommy Hilfiger  DKNY, Levis, Calvin Klein, it keeps going.  I also nabbed some Sketchers, a Betty Page jacket,  and jewellery. Not too shabby. 

                          

Viva Las Vegas

So after nearly four hours at the airport, we arrive in Las Vegas... it was as bright as a Christmas tree.

I sat glued to the air plane window seat. And I wasn't even sitting in that seat.

After getting through American customs and waiting for a while for our bags to be thrown out, we head to our hotel, New York New York, all ready to take on Vegas. Instead, my inner bitch came out after we found out that we were stuck in a smoking room, on a smoking floor, despite booking a non smoking room/floor.

I thought I could suck it up but alas I made my way down to the reception desk and gave them a piece of mind before finishing with... there are legal issues with sticking someone in a smoking room and having trouble breathing... yeah i kind of lost my shit but I was having trouble breathing. It is absolutely disgusting to allow someone to smoke in a room. How bad is your addiction that you can't go outside of the hotel. Horrid!

The next day we were moved to another room, happily a non smoking room, and we set out to check out Vegas, baby. The hotel itself was pretty cool. It was decked out in all things New York, including a Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State Building, apartments, Irish pub and New Yorkers. It was quite authentic.




The whole strip was themed

Monte Carlo  Paris


Belliago   Rome

There were many more!!!

After hours of walking, and I mean hours of walking, we went to our first Las Vegas show; Circus de Soleli. We saw Zumanity, which is a sensual, seductive show which is for adults only. It was quite sexy. It was dubbed a show about the pleasures of the flesh. :-)

All the performers were dressed in gorgeous lingere and the men were wearing six packs. ;-) I promise I wasn't looking and didn't scream like a woman watching Manpower.

Scouts honour... i was never a scout.

Hollywood!!!

We decided to grab one of those day tours through Los Angeles which ticked all the boxes of places I wanted to see in LA... well everything I had googled before left Australia.

Chinese Theatre
Walk of Stars
Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills
Sunset Strip
Hollywood stars' houses
Santa Monica
Walt Disney Concert Hall
Venice Beach
Muscle Beach
Union Station, etc, etc, etc

So I checked out the Chinese Theatre and the Hollywood stars:

               

 Someone was getting their star unveiled while we were there but I didn't know who it was. Apparently they were in quite a number of recent movies and still I had no idea.

Then we checked out my favourites:

Ripley's Believe it or not              Rodeo Drive
 Santa Monica                Walt Disney Concert Hall


We did check out Hollywood Stars' homes but I'm not a fan. I don't really care who they are and where they live. Plus its a bit a intrusion to be sitting outside someone's house and taking photographs. Suffice to say, I looked and checked it out but meh. Bit boring. I couldn't care less where Johnny Depp or Jennifer Aniston lives. I assume its vice versa too.

We also checked out Venice Beach and Muscle Beach but it was raining so I didnt see Arnold Schwarzengger working out but there was a lot of pot dealing shops and dodgy people walking about. Each to their own. :-)

That's how we finished our time in Los Angeles. A whole day snapping away with the camera and oohing and ahhing at all things Hollywood. Not too shabby.

DISNEY, DISNEY, DISNEY, DISNEY

The happiest place on earth!!!


Disneyland California Adventure has all the rides like Califonia Screamin', Hollywood Tower of Terror, Grizzly River Run, a Mickey ferris wheel, Golden Zephyr, Luigi's Flying Tyres, lots of 3D movies, and the best ride, Cars.

It was cold and the first thing we decided to go on was a ride where you get wet, Grizzly River Run. Its a flotation device where you sit there, being thrown about and get completely wet. Awesome!! We looked like drown cats. Completely wet. His jeans, my hair, which by the way, had been done nicely that day and was not sticky to my face. Hot!

Next it was a Mickey Mouse ferris wheel which was no normal ferris wheel. The cages actually moved from side to side, and at one point, looked like it was tip into the water. I was scared. Again, I screamed like a little girl. I wasn't the only one. ;-)

The best ride, Cars. We lined up for two and half hours for that ride. We kept moving slowly towards the front of the line... ever so slowly. By half way, I was starting to get cabin fever so i was silenced with Candy Floss. Delightful. Sugar, sugar, and more sugar. It was worth it though. Two and half hours later, I was sitting in the car, racing another car alongside us and it was AWESOME!!!

A whole day at Disneyland ... just perfect. We were just big kids. I love that.

La La Land for me

So we arrived in Los Angeles on day one of our American adventures and I am glued to the air plane window.

I can see Los Angeles. All of it. IT IS HUGE!!!

We arrive three hours after our original arrival time after flying with the Qantas A380, which by the way, is friggin huge and I loved it. Anyway, once we arrive, we drop our bags at the hotel in North Hollywood and make use of the free shuttle bus between the hotel and Universal Studios, which is five minutes away. Not too shabby.

At the Studios, we find a whole mini shopping precinct with pubs, restaurants, and shopping. I am so happy. The City Walk was dressed in all things Christmas with Christmas playing in the background... it was gorgeous (however after eight days, I was so sick of Christmas music, I could have screamed at another song about a white Christmas).

City Walk had Sketchers, a Belgian pub, Ben and Jerry's... I can go but we so buggered from the 13 hour flight, that we had a nice American burger and a home brewed beer that we dropped like flies once we got back to the hotel.

The next day, Universal Studios baby!! We had front line passes so there was no lining up for us! The Studios were fantastic. There was the Mummy ride, Transformers 3D, Simpsons 3D etc.. there was the back lots where they do filming for movies and television shows. Awesome. We saw where they made Jaws,  War of Worlds, every New York television show with a NY back drop, and they were even filming the show, Parenthood, while we were there. And no I didn't get on the show as an extra. Although I would have tried, despite the fact, the show sucks.

We checked out this House of Horrors ride, where I proceeded to de-mask myself of my tough exterior and scream like a little girl, much to the boyfriend's amusement.

There was one actor dressed as Chucky welding a knife and he just sat there staring. He didn't move. So after a few seconds I decided all was well until he came out of the picture, throwing around his plastic knife, inches from my face... and of course I screamed like a hyena, threw my body back into the boy and pushed everyone down the line.

All I could hear in my hysteria was his laughter along with everyone else in the room. Hmmmmm.

I hate scary rides. I hate them.

The other highlight of that day was that we got tickets to see Jay Leno. Whoop whoop!!! We managed to get front row at a taping of his late show, which had Marisa Tomei, Carlson Daly and Il Vivo (some teen bop group that sang opera music with incredibly tight pants and over product hair). The boyfriend enjoyed Marisa Tomei... a little too much for my liking. ;-)

USA USA USA

Kids, tomorrow I am flying to the US of A.

And I cannot stop smiling. And the smiling is more than I was yesterday because I keep doing more research into LA and Vegas and I squeal with delight.

My face hurts from the smiling.

I saw pictures and lists of things to do in LA... like Rodeo Drive and then there is Universal Studios, and Disneyland and the Hollywood sign and ... OK I'm starting to hyper ventilate from the excitement.

And then there is Las Vegas... where anything can happen if you have money. I saw a helicopter ride where you fly into the Grand Canyon and picnic in the middle of it. THE MIDDLE OF THE GRAND CANYON!!! We are SO doing that. I have never been on a helicopter and I must get on one.

I just cannot wait until I land in LAX. I don't think I will be able sleep a wink tonight as I imagine all the things I will be seeing and tasting. I have watched television shows for years where they show images of LA and Vegas and your imagination runs wild.

I want my holiday to start now!!!

There is one small downside that I will have to get used to... Tipping.

In Australia it is not common to tip because staff own a very good wage and barely provide good service, especially in Canberra. So when the bill arrives, you don't have to provide a tip because you know they are earning $15 an hour, as oppose to the Americans at roughly $5  an hour... which is complete bullshit. How can someone survive on that ... which is why you tip. It will be an odd experience but hey, I'm up for it. I have my US dollars ready and waiting.

That's really the only thing that is a little bit of a concern, however, it is minor and I promise I will let you all know how I go in LA and Vegas, baby!!

WHOOP WHOOP!!!

So long, farewell

Yesterday it finally happened.

I have been waiting for this day for nearly a year and it came. My last day at work.

I no longer have tolerate my boss, ignore my instincts and smile politely as my colleagues who continue to lower the bar that even being mediocre is good enough... in work and in life.

Yesterday, I said my goodbyes and waved my old employer off. No turning back. No regrets.

I was pushed and I happily jumped.

I no longer have pretend I actually give a shit about the goals of what my employer failed to achieve, year after year. They continually fail everything and accept it. I cannot watch and sit idly by. So I jumped.

I will soon be landing in a job I have always wanted and into a place I have always aspired to work at.

My day has finally come.

And old job can shove it. Happily. :-)

Not long now...

I'm excited

Four days from today I will be busting.

I'll have my passport at the ready.

My suitcase packed.

And I'll be trying not to annoy my boyfriend with questions, like 'are we there yet?', 'are you excited?', 'how excited are you?', 'do you want to sleep?', 'are you watching channel 4?', 'do you want me to stop?'... Mmmmm I'm sorry I will be asking those questions.

In four days I am going to America.

Yes the US of A.

Land of Hollywood, Disneyland, Obama, southern fried chicken, Statue of Liberty... Simpsons.

I am very excited.

I am smiling like an idiot right now as I write this blog. Sad, I know but I'm not apologising for it.

The hotels are booked. The planes are fuelling, not literally. And the visa is organised. But I am not looking forward to the next bit.. packing. I can't pack. I over-pack. This time I need to be strategic.

Do I need a pair of high heels? Probably not.

Do I need a coat? Probably not.

Do I need a cheesy  t-shirt that says, French Kissing in the USA? I think I do.

I pulled out my suitcase and attempted to organise myself but I decided a walk around my neighbourhood was a better option.

Maybe something magically will happen and my suitcase will be packed, and all I have to do is get on a plane...

:-)

I did it...

You did it.

Every second person on the planet did it.

I am talking about women fixating on a man who is just not that into her.

It happens to all over us, just that some women, do not know when to walk away. When all is lost and there is no chance of a man showing any long term interest in you or even going on a date with you, that’s when you walk away.

You don’t text. You don’t text the man incessantly. You don’t text the man about random information in the hope he responds. You don’t do anything.

You do one thing… you delete his number from your phone. You delete his name from your Facebook page. You delete any means of contacting him.

Because you are worth more than that. And because he just isn’t interested. Harsh but true.

I was there at one point but the difference with me is that I deleted his number from my phone immediately after dumping his arse, I deleted him from Facebook just as fast, and stopped all communication with him. Even after he kept communicating with me, and keeping tabs on my with my now ex friends.

One of my closest, and most treasured friends, is currently going through this whole experience and its disheartening. This guy was a tool. One of those men who prefer the image of himself in a mirror than try to have a conversation with a woman.

The one thing going for him is that he was up front to say he wasn’t interested in dating. Whether my friend agrees or not, the man never implied a relationship was at hand. He enjoyed her company and that’s always nice but women can get that confused with a relationship. I did it. The only problem was that the man in question was telling me it was a relationship but lying the whole time. And he admitted it.

You learn to pick out the stripes from the polka dots.

You learn that you are worth more than the jerks that play you. Because karma will get them.

And by then you will be smiling from ear to ear, happy and content with the life you have built for yourself, knowing that you are priceless.  

31 candles blown out ...

I turned 31 years old yesterday.

I tick a different box now.

Food tastes different...

I walk differently... just kidding.

Nothing changed. I didn't expect anything to change.

I did wake up yesterday morning with a smile on my face. A calm and relax feeling too.

Like I said, nothing has changed but then everything is changing.

I am finishing with my current job in three weeks, I am going to the US for eight days and I start my new job on 10th December. Everything is starting to change.

I have started ticking things off my list, get my study fixed, get my car repaired, getting fitter and healthier, relaxing more, and trying new things, exploring more and most importantly, I am trying not to over think everything. I said try. Its not something I can change but I'm trying.

For someone who hated change and actually threw up from it... I have adapted pretty well in the past six months. I've changed jobs twice and tried new things, and no run for the bathroom. I'm growing up.

Today, my birthday present to myself, is all about pampering myself at my beauty salon and getting a massage afterwards... all after I went for a long hard run just to work off some of that cake from the weekend.

:-)

How much should I say? Or should I just walk away?

Today at work, my HR people sent me an exit survey.

This is my shot. I have finally been given the chance to have my final say. And now I think I am about to choke.

I did fill it out in full. It is not based on my fantastic interim job I have now but on the old job… the old crappy, suffocating and demoralising job that made me physically sick and mentally exhausted.

And I actually hesitated to submit it because I am happy again. All the pain and frustration I was feeling a mere six months ago has disappeared. That’s great. I know that’s great to feel that way but part of me really, really wants pay back.

I want my manager and his manager to understand that bullying staff and making work three people’s job, is unfair and bullshit.

Yet today I sat there and answered all the questions about what I liked, what I didn’t like, what should be improved, why I am leaving and then … any more comments to be made? Oh yeah there were comments! Lots of them.

So tomorrow I am going re-read what I wrote and maybe find a more logical way to stick to the man than an emotional one. One where I still feel a little raw about what happened and very excited that I get to tell them all to sod off and walk happily away from that part of my life.

I enjoyed every minute of working with my colleagues and staff, and former team mates, but my manager can shove his arrogant ego up his arse.

Still, I need to pace my enthusiasm; I have three weeks to go until I say au revoir!   

One small step for womankind

It might not sound like a big deal to you and boo but it's a big deal to me.

Today I put on a sleeveless singlet and went for a run.

Arms exposed.

Nowhere for them to hid.

I don't like my arms. They remind of old ladies at the tuckshop. You know the ones. Those dear old ladies who served eucalyptus lollies at five cents a bag while the arms giggle in the wind.

I know my arms don't look like that BUT i don't like them, and I don't like out and about.

But this afternoon I had enough and put on that sleeveless top.

I actually had to pump myself to make myself go outside for a run ... silly but I had to.

I didn't do too badly for my first go. I started running around the suburbs (ie no people or cars about) and then grew a pair, and stopped being a big baby, and went for a run around the busy oval nearby.

One just one little step but it's a big thing for me.

So WHOOP WHOOP!

Probably not wise but I just couldn't this morning...

I just couldn't go to work today.

I couldn't face my team of idiots one more time.

Tomorrow is my last day before I move to a better team.

A more competent team.

A team that works as a team and actually does work; instead of buck passing or pretending they don't know what to do because they just can't be bothered helping out their team mate or me, their boss.

Today I just looked at my phone, dialled the number, and said, nope, not coming in. I’m sick.

I have never chucked a sickie.

I have never faked a sickness. A cold. A flu. Anything. Nothing to get out of work.

But today I just couldn’t.

I am so very tired.

I couldn’t look at them one more time and hear the constant whinging about how they have to do work.

These people are being paid $70,000 - $80,000 a year (I guess it includes super etc) but the point is, is that they don’t deserve. They haven’t earned it. There are another people out there, earning much, much less, and actually contributing to the world. These people avoid work, don’t help, and rock up to work about 9.30am and then whinge all day before slipping out at 4pm. They haven’t even done a full day’s work. This doesn’t include the hour lunch they take.

As their supervisor, I have brought up my issues about it all, only to be told that this is the public service. As long as they are doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what time they show up, or leave, as long as the work gets done. Now, I give them work. They claim its getting done but after they leave, the big wigs ask for it, and it’s not done. I bring up the next day (after I have had to complete it all), only to be faced with a blank expression and another whinge. This has been going on for four months.

Four long, long months.

I left my old team because I was harassed and overworked to point of exhaustion. I was told to put up and shut up, and just do the work… even though I was doing the work of three people, while others sat by. I left that team because they were arseholes (excuse the language but there is no other way to describe them).

And so I moved to this team, only to be faced with another set of issues. Lots and lots of issues!!!

I don’t pull my hair out. I don’t get angry. I don’t lash out. I don’t do these things because I know my real job is waiting for me. I just have to be patient and wait for my start date…

So for now, I smile, I nod, and I politely tell them that they are paid very well and have little responsibility, therefore they need to do the work. They bitch behind my back (I’ve caught them a few times) but they do the work.

Tomorrow is my last day with them and it’s going to be the longest day.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to be patient.

FYI - i am actually sick. I have worked through my cold for the past two weeks without time off. I think my body is tired for having to smile, nod and be polite to idiots.

I think my body, my mind, my soul is rejecting my efforts to be polite to idiots.

I should look into that.

From Anonymous

I've learnt that...

• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

• no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

• it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

• it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

• you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

• no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

• you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

• we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

• there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

• true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

• just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

• maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

• no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

• no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

• just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

• we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

• you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

• there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

• no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

• the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.

• although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

• love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.

• there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

• even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

• every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

• I still have a lot to learn......

Don’t put the penis on a pedestal.

Yes that’s right... don't put the penis on a pedestal.

One of my great friends mentioned a website the other day that I just had to share. The website, Her Canberra, is focused on all things Canberra, and all things woman. Roar!

Anyway there was a particular article that I had to share because I can. :-P

While I don't agree with it all, there a parts of it that are true, and all woman are guilty of doing one or all at one point in their life. 

Don’t put the penis on a pedestal.

As wonderful as the guy you are currently dating is, he is at the end of the day just a guy – not some sort of demigod. He is a human being with many wonderful qualities and just as many faults – no more, no less. And if it doesn’t work out, then there will, eventually, after a lot of crying and too much wine drinking, be another one to take his place. So don’t give him more power over your happiness then he deserves.

Stop stressing and make yourself happy.

If you want to call him, then do it (within reason – nobody likes a crazy stalker). If you want to sleep with him, go for it (but be aware of the risks). If you want to go out dancing with your girlfriends and he’s acting like a jealous moron – then ignore him and go anyway. Basically, stop worrying so much about what he likes, what he thinks, what he wants and just make yourself happy. If it doesn’t work out then he wasn’t the right one for you, learn from it and move on.

Do not; I repeat do not go changing who you are to please a man.

It never works, eventually the facade will crack and your true self will be revealed. And really do you want him to love the real you warts and all or some fake, sanitised version of yourself? The only reason to change is if something you’re doing is not making you happy or not getting you what you want. For example if you want a serious relationship then own that and don’t settle for anything less. Casual sex is fine – if you’re happy with that but if you’re not then don’t go there. And don’t worry whichever side of the debate you land on the right person for you will share your values.

To find a great man, you need to be a great girl.

If you’re a fun, friendly, happy, decent person who is out there living life and enjoying themselves then when the timing is right you will meet the right person. I mean given the choice between a wonderful, charismatic, interesting, confident, mature and self reliant man; and a childish loser with a bad attitude, no friends or interests and a massive chip on his shoulder who reeks of desperation and bitterness which one would you want to date? Yeah that’s what I thought.

And most importantly

A man is not a plan.

Friends, family, career, passions, hobbies, travel, freedom, financial stability, good health – these are my life, my cake if you will. And men, well they’re just the icing. Cake is yummier with icing but without it, it’s still cake. And as the say goes ‘you can’t hurry love’. So you can sit around waiting for the icing while your cake goes stale, or you can enjoy what you have right now, right in front of you. Which is the opportunity to be happy and fabulous doing whatever the hell you god damn please. The right icing may or may not ever turn up but if you bake the best cake you possibly can and put it out there proudly for all the world to see then you have the best chance of finding it.

Patience is the key

I am still healing from my mishap three weeks ago.

Three friggin long weeks ago!!

I haven't been able to exercise in three weeks... its driving me insane.

Tomorrow I will have another physio session and hopefully I get the green light (even an amber light) to do some exercise. The only exercise I can do at this point is walking, which I do everyday because I walk to work.

The lesson learned here is... don't help others. I have paid the price for it. And while it was a lovely gesture, blah blah blah, I still wished I didn't do it. I came out worse than my work colleague. And its starting to get overwhelming and uncomfortable.

And now he is ever so grateful and its getting too much now. He has sent emails thanking me, he has told me thank you after each time I come back from a physio at lunch, and now I have a card on my desk, thanking me for what I did. And in then there are prayers. Prayers for me.

Now I am not religious. I have no problem with people worshipping, praying or whatever but I don't like it thrust down my throat because that's just hypocrisy. I hate hypocrites! You can do whatever you please but don't talk to me about it. I'm not interested.

He keeps saying he is praying for me, and another colleague (also of a particular faith), keeps inviting me to pray groups. When did it become ok to push your own religious views in my person space?

I just want my back, neck and shoulders to heal, and be done with it... and I mean be done with the thank you's and the prayers.

At least I have four weeks to go until I can say good bye to this team and never look back.

I just need to keep my head down.

Watch out for the banana peel!!

Yesterday I was dancing.

Yesterday I was eating a teeny tiny delicious cupcake.

And yesterday I fell onto a hardwood floor after going to help my work colleague who split his head on the gutters of a bowling lane.

Yeah I wish I stopped at the cupcake.

We were all having a really good day yesterday.

My team were getting along.

They were laughing and cheering each other.

My colleague went up to the black line threw down his ball, lost his balance and then smacked hard on the ground.

I ran towards him to help him up and then saw the gush of blood coming from his head and then I slipped on the floor and hit my head but thankfully I didn’t split anything. I dragged him away from the lane and his blood and sat him down in a sit where the rest of my colleagues then went to his aid.

That aside I didn’t like the comments that followed after the incident… one person was laughing and joking that she should have videotaped it and sent it to Australia’s Funniest Videos to win some cash, and another (a staffer from the bowling centre) said he saw it and laughed so hard.

I said to both that I didn’t find anything funny about someone having blood gushing from his head, and me holding ice to my head to help with the massive headache I was dealing with.  

I don’t care how funny it looked, standing there and doing nothing, makes me want to slap you hard.

My team did well. Two of my staffers went with him to the hospital and stayed with him until he was discharged, and my branch manager went to visit him in hospital to make sure he was ok.

The same branch manager checked in with me and was genuine in her concern for my wellbeing which was quite touching. I have never had a boss do that before and it was quite surreal but nice.

Today my back is sore and my neck is stiff but I’m doing better than my colleague, who now has a 13 centimetre smiley face on the top of his head. It is in the shape of a smiley face.

Now that I can smile at. 

Ahhh thats better...

It's short.

It's sweet.

Its Friday.

This week has been a shocker at work as I continue to pick up slack of otherwise and try to bite my tongue and prevent the wrath from spewing out.

Doesnt matter now.

I have had a glass of wine ... a Rose' from South Australia.

I am sitting in my pjamas.

And I am wearing a pair of my gorgeous purple bowed heels that are making me feel quite sexy.

Sometime a woman needs to slip on some heels.

Game on mole!

I waited today for you.

You didn't show up.

I waited for you on Wednesday.

You didn't show up.

I have been waiting for you for two friggin' years to get off your arse and fix my house!

And you didn't do squat.

So don't call me two hours after you were supposed to show up and think I am going to answer the phone.

You have pissed me off for the very last time.

I have been pleasant, I have been accommodating, I have been understanding for the past two years but my patience is now non-existent so you can shove right up your arse!

Did you not know you would be found out? That building a house with no respect and no respect for building standards that you would get away with it?

I signed a contract and I handed over my savings, in exchange for a brand new apartment that would be perfect in every way from the nails in the wall and the carpet on the floor, to the waterproofing in my walls.

I didn't get that.

I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I believed you would show up today but you didn't.

And now you've pissed me off.

I’m bored with waiting

I could conjure up some exciting blog entry that tells you all about my wild ride through life and interesting facts and figures, or my take on what’s new in the world, or what’s new in my head but I can’t be bothered.

Because I’m bored.

I am in limbo.

I am waiting for the job I’ve always wanted but stuck in an organisation I can’t quite shake off. I have to be patient and the day I say adios losers will be the greatest day in my career but for now I wait. And wait. And wait.

I hate waiting.

It makes every day at work, boring.

My temporary team are lovely but they are not motivated, bored and sterile. I think before I arrived they just got on with work and went home to more exciting lives. I can’t spend eight hours a day not talking or laughing or just chatting about random crap. I know before I arrived it was a quiet office but that’s not to say I am the loudest on the floor but you can hear me laughing.

My loudest is obviously a big change for some in the team and my ability to not give a shit about people who whine and whinge all day long is my greatest power. There are a few members of the team that have taken upon themselves to not be on my side but hey it wouldn’t be fun without the blockers.

But I wait. I wait for the day I can say ta ta asses. It’s going to be a little bit of a wait but it will be worth it. 

Hey I waited patiently before asking my boyfriend out – although I don’t think he would call it waiting… more being a chicken shit and not saying anything – but none the less I waited patiently for the right time. 

Right place. Right time zone.

Ah tomorrow is just another day.

Another day of getting on with it.

Another day less of waiting.

Not bad Bob... not bad at all.

Australian tabloid media has a lot to answer for

Today's sport story is about an Australian swimmer, Leisel Jones, who is preparing for fourth stint at an Olympic games and all the Australian media can talk about is the size of her thighs.

Are you f**king kidding me!

This women is a gold medal swimming champion and earned her spot as a representative of my country at the London Olympic games and arseholes at the Daily Telegraph think its journalism to comment on a woman's weight.

The 'journalist' - I use that term lightly because a columnist is not a journalist - thought she had the right to comment on Leisel having a very pounds to her weight and that she didn't deserve her spot on the Australian swimming team.

She called her fat and said that the photographs of her practising her swimming had nothing to do with the body image debate, and that discussion of her 'condition' was legitimate and not an attack on the sisterhood. Maybe she needs to step away from her keyboard and take a minute to consider how her words affect other people. And the fact she has a job that allows to express every puny little thought bubble she has, it still doesn't give her the right to be a bitch.

There are some women that become bitches when they get jealous of other women's successes.

There are some women like to bring down other women down just to feel about themselves.

And while I don't agree that all women are like this, unfortunately the stereotype steams from somewhere.

But this 'journalist' needs to shut up and start reporting on things that matter.

FYI - I am not even a sports fan. I think the Olympics are boring but this sh*t just isn't on.

What happens next when everything starts to fall into place?

Life has a funny way of making you see clearly without you actually realising it is happening.

I was sitting on my couch watching DVDs when one of the characters said something that stopped me. He was talking about his life and what he wanted, and it resonated with me.  

If you have guessed by now I tend to ask myself a lot of questions.

Think a lot of questions.

Ask a lot of questions.

Or attempt to ask a question but get wobbly at the last second and go silent.

Now that I have managed to extract myself from my old job and the questions about how to change my miserable work attitude to a more positive one has been answered and now closed.

It’s the other questions that are starting to come to a head that I have managed to ignore it to a point because I was never quite strong enough to ask before or even think it.

Even now I am finding it difficult to write this blog because I don’t even know how to finish it. I have been writing this blog on and off for hours now… or in fact I’ve been trying to find a way to write this blog for months now and still can’t find my words.

I wonder if this means something or in fact I’m chicken shit.

See what happens when I ask questions and don’t have the answers because I am not in control of the answers, only the questions.

Man my mind is running around in circles. 

Five days in...

So my first week is finally done and dusted.

And I survived. 

Actually I did much better than that.

My new team are lovely. They are very different from my old team but you never compare.

My new boss is so much better. She doesn't second guess me, she doesn't contradict my opinion or take the glory of other people's work, and most important, she isn’t a paranoid control freak who cares more about pleasing the powers above than supporting and caring about the people that make him look good.

Meow!

I know it’s a little catty but it’s well-deserved.

A friend of mine last night mentioned how relaxed I look.

I feel relaxed, I look relaxed and I feel like a weight has lifted off me and I can rest easy now.

All the stress, anxiety and migraines were all a direct result of my old boss and work and now it’s gone.  

I am so relaxed that I actually almost felt the need to skip some parts of my walk to work the other day.

I was listening to Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin and it was a sunny cold morning in Canberra and as I walked the twenty minutes to work, I felt like skipping. I have not felt this way for some time. Actually, the time I felt like this was when I started dating my boyfriend. But work-wise, I have never felt like that.

It’s lovely.

And free.  

It was the right time to go

My last day in my old job was a joke.

I think after eight years my expectations of what I expected from my colleagues on my last day was simply to expect anything.

I got a table with a packet of chips, dips, and a bottle of warm flat light beer.

I didn't expect much but I didn't expect that.

That was just pathetic.

Another colleague of  mine was going on a six week holiday and got the works.

I actually expected my boss to say some words, instead he said let me know if you don't like, and let me know if you're coming back.

I made the right decision.

The decision to leave was always going to be a hard one but now I know it was the right one.

I will always speak of them with the utmost respect because rubbishing them would be rubbishing me but anything more will never be utter from my lips.

So long, farewell.

Farewell bitches!

Tomorrow is my last day in my current job.

Onwards and upwards awaits me.

I’m in two minds as to what I am expecting and what will actually happen tomorrow.

One, my team will probably either (a) hold a morning tea, (b) a lunch for me, or (c) an afternoon tea in my honour… yes, we communication experts have a wild imagination.

Something with food is a given… its more about them, than me… they want to get out of the office because Fridays are nightmare days for us. Or for them now. 

It’s what my boss may or may not say that is what is intriguing me a little more than it should because why do I care? Part of me thinks he may redeem himself and acknowledge the eight years of dedication and loyalty I have shown to his team… or he will say it’s only a three month stint in the other team; you’ll be back because everyone always comes back to my team.

I think it’s latter and believe me, he has actually said these words to former staff.

I partly want to tell him to shove the job up his arse, while I do a cartwheel down the corridor, screaming wahoo the whole way down.

I’m thinking that’s the way to go.

And while it is officially only a three month stint, I have no intention of returning to that job because of so many reasons but the main reasons is that I have outgrown that place and no longer have anything left to give. And it return has nothing left to offer.

I spoke with another colleague who is also leaving our little nest, and she expressed almost identical reasons for why she was leaving, as mine. Ironically funny. She, as I, is tired of being expected to do more than others, who failed to even come half way to the work load we do. She, as I, is tired of the lack of support and leadership. And she, as I, is tired. 

I love my profession. I love to write. I love to talk. I love being around people. Everything that my job is.

So I am not saying goodbye to my career tomorrow, only goodbye to my job.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly.

I am already thinking about what I am doing after work tomorrow night… and it won’t be anything related to my job.

Not feeling it ...

I have an interview this week and I really don't feel like going.

I was offered a job interview at this organisation I've always wanted to work at but the problem is, its a job in my current industry; an industry I want to leave.

I want to try to expand my career but this job interview will bring me back to a job that has left me uninspired. The thing is the job is in an organisation I've always wanted to work in so I'm going to the interview tomorrow.

I hate interviews.

Who wants to talk about themselves and bullshit about how fantastic they are and hide all their flaws and weaknesses in fear that no one will want it in their organisation.

I have met one person that enjoys them or even feels 50:50 about it.

I am actually excited about this opportunity I will be starting in a week and all my energy is into counting down the days until I can leave my current team  (five days and counting).

So I am lacking some enthusiasm for this interview... actually I have none.

I don't want to go but I will because I want to work in the organisation... anyway who knows if they will offer a job to me anyway. This is a highly competitive organisation, a lot of people want to work there so I am up against a high calibre of people, with a range of experience.

Ill go but the bullshit will be missing.

I am going to answer the questions straight and show them I have what it takes.

Five days until I can goodbye to the shitty hours, the lack of respect, the double standards, the lack of management, and finally move on. I have been waiting for this for a very long time and it will soon be here.

No one knows how long I have been waiting to leave my current job. It has been so long that I am feeling exhausted by the idea of another five days of polite smiling and fake enthusiasm for a job I hate.

Five days and counting!

Suck it scales!

Yes I had a weigh in and my measurements taken yesterday and the news is good.

Its all good.

I have lost 2 kilos in six weeks.

I have lost 3 centimetre around my waist.

And my chest has increased by more than one centimetre.

The last one was welcomed by my boyfriend.

Finally my body is starting show signs that running three days a week, plus two personal sessions a week and a healthy diet is actually having an impact.

Whoop, whoop!

The added bonus, I went into the clothing store, Jag, on the weekend and fitted into a size 12 skirt and there was room. Yay! I practically skipped out of the change room, randomly saying, "I am a size 12", to my boyfriend for the rest of the day. :o)

Onwards and upwards.

Six weeks from now, I want to lose another three kilos, another three centimetres around my waist, legs and the booty.

Suck it scales! Suck it!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Only if you learn from it. 

I think the past few months, I have been at times irrational, dramatic, paranoid, short tempered, emotional and sleep deprived.

And this is all because of a job.

Why did I take it to the extreme? I saw no way out of my job. A job that was affecting every aspects of my being, be that physical or mental. It was eroding my identity and I was allowing it.

The thing is I have done this before. I’m no stranger to this. The only other time this has happened was when I made the decision to move to London when I was 26.

I was working in the very team I am leaving in three weeks, and the same thoughts/feelings were still there as they are today. My job was killing me (not in the literal sense) because I was working long hours, and thought that by doing that, I would be recognised for that and handsomely rewarded. I wasn’t, and I am still waiting for the reward.

I decided to move to London after a dear friend of mine passed away and everything just changed so suddenly. I decided after attending his funeral to buy a ticket to London.  Honestly, I thought it was the best decision I made and to this day, it remains one of the best decisions I have ever made.  

However, on the day of my flight, I lost my shit. So to speak.

I was no longer in control of the situation, I didn’t have a home organised in London, I didn’t have a job to go to, hell, I hardly knew anyone except two people (and one of them moved to London a month prior and had no luck finding a place). So you can imagine all the feelings and thoughts rushing through my mind on the day I was supposed to fly out.

My family beared witness to a very strange and surreal experience. And again it was over the top and unnecessary.

I am a woman who was used to being in the driver’s seat; a woman who was used to being in control of every minor detail; a woman who at the age of 26 years had never experienced complete and utter chaos.  

The past three months or so have been a grey fog. No end in sight and no idea how to get my shit together. I instead bitched and moaned about how everything sucked and nothing would change it. What I should have done was get my shit together from the beginning and make the change I wanted instead of listening to everyone around me (primarily my boss) telling me what I should do.

These people were not asking me what I wanted, and for a while I decided to give up and just let it happen.

I let it go for far too long and I regret because it pushed to a place where I just became a shell of who I am.

I am independent. I am strong. I am confident. I am assertive.

However, for the past three months I became a pathetic mess, weak, self-loathing, and worst of all, a defeatist. That’s not me. It has never been me and yet, in my eyes, I became that person and accepted it.

What I have learnt from this is that I need to stop over thinking. I need to just my instincts because it has never failed me and usually my first instinct is always the right one.

I will no longer be loyal to any job or any boss. I spent the past eight years being loyal to one boss and to one team, and in the end, it counted for nothing. Yes I got the skills and the training to move on and change my career but if I had done a half arsed job I still would have obtained the same skills and training but without the disenchantment I feel today.

And most importantly, I learnt that I need to ask the questions that I might feel are too hard to ask or that I am scared of what the answer will be.  I know thought that if I don’t ask the question/s, I will always be wondering what that person across from me really thinks… feels.

It’s the unknown that stops me from taking the leap.

I know now that I have nothing to fear and if anyone tries to pull me back then I know what to do with them.

Don't want to count my chickens yet but...

I got some great news yesterday.

A three month opportunity that will mean I can leave my crappy job and try something new.

I am so pumped!

I am not counting my chickens yet as my boss has to OK the transfer but I doubt he would say no. He is keen for me to leave anyway.

Upon getting the confirmation about the job, I called my boss to let him know and instead of congratulating me, he said 'I guess I should congratulate you. Is the job permanent?'


Oh gee I feel overwhelmed by your support.

Instead of telling him top jam it up his arse I responded by saying thanks but no its not permanent.

I know this, if the new boss doesn't offer a permanent position, then there is no way in hell I am going back to my old team. Not after the week I have had this week.

It was humiliating moving all my stuff from my desk and moving to a desk outside of my team's pod. Some colleagues where not kind at all and ignored the fact I had been shafted, while the others felt sorry for me and didn't know what to say.

While no one made me feel crap but I did feel like that and it was bloody awful.

Anyway I only have to wait three weeks before I can move to my new team and then that's it.

I can say good bye to my old team, my old boss, my old life and look forward to something brand new and something that will open new doors for me.

I  would like to leave my current job in a more positive way but I doubt that will be happening.

Not too worry. It's not my problem.

As I said, screw 'em!

P.S the moment I got a call about this job, 15 minutes later, I got another call from recruiter about another job. Not too shabby!

What can I say...

Nothing.

I am speechless.

I found out this afternoon my job changed without anyone uttering a single word.

I was emailing someone on leave and read her out of office message and saw that I had taken over her role.

Apparently it was announced when I had day off. 

When I walked into the office today, no one said a thing. No one told me anything about it.

When I asked, the response was that they thought the boss should tell me.

That boss conveniently took the day off from work today. 

This is the third time I have found out that my job has changed via someone else... be that an out of office message, a piece of paper with name on it, or my desk moved. Now I want to be clear, it is not a reflection of me because quite frankly i am FRIGGIN' AWESOME at my job but, as my boss explained, you will go where I say you will go. 

And in the past I have made it work but today I reached my limit of always saying yes to every single bullshit task my boss asks.

The looks on my colleagues were of embarrassment. They knew they should have spoken up for me but said nothing. They knew they should have called me straight away but they didn't. They knew that what my boss was doing was outrageous but said nothing. 

I have mentored and supported these very people and now when I needed, they said nothing.

What can you do?! 

So I am speechless. In disbelief. So angry and frustrated that I am crying.

I do have a wonderful support network of a boyfriend, friends and family who are doing a fab job cheering me up and catching me so I don't fall.

BUT I need to remember that I am not defeated and that no one has control over my career. No one has the right to tell me what I can and can't do... because if you try, just watch what happens. 

Tomorrow Ill go into work, do this job that I was never hired for or qualified for, and when the day comes (and it actually be very soon) for me to hand in my resignation letter there will be no reservations, no apprehension, and no overthinking. 

It will be a smile, a nod and goodbye. 

Eight years counts for nothing

Screw em I say!

I walked into my boss' office and put it on the line and all he had to say was:

I need to think of the team

Screw you! I am part of your team, what about me!?!?!

Douche!

So apparently I don't have a say on what happens to me and my job because he is thinking of the team and making sure his arse is covered.

He is putting a new role offered to me in jeopardy because he authorised five people to have leave in one month and he is afraid of the impact on the rest of the team.

NOT MY PROBLEM!!!

Anyway I just looked at him and realised that eight years of loyalty counted for nothing.

I worked long hours, I worked weekends, I changed jobs without any fight... I was sent to another state, in the middle of no where  ... his excuse, I have a family and commitments, and you don't, so the impact is less. Yeah! I don't have to explain my rage on that one.

I come in every day and give 100 per cent. I have done that for eight long years.

And now he thinks he has the right to turn around and tell me sorry, it counts for nothing.

Screw em!

Even now, I just shake my head in disbelief that someone could treat you like this.

All the long hours etc. counted for nothing. NOTHING!

If I had done a half-arsed job like everyone around me in my team does (and has continued since the day I arrived) then I would still be in the shit position I am now but at least I wouldn't feel like a dick head.

Selfish arse poo muncher! That's what I wanted to call him. I just couldn't open my mouth and say it.

I know that if I am placed in a job that I don't want, I will just hand in resignation, tell him shove it up his arse and hopefully he gets a paper cut.

No one should be treated like this and no one should treat ME like this.

I just want to vent because I am in just disbelief. That how I explain it right now.

Disbelief.

I am tired of the restless nights...

And I don't even have a baby so I have no excuses for being tired but I am not sleeping (or getting around four hours) because my brain will not just switch off.

It's bloody irritating.

I have questions that need answering but I don't know how to approach it.

I have thoughts that I want to express but not sure how to frame it.

And I hate change because I am not control.

So if you want to change your career, your life goals, or simply speak to someone, how do you do it when it means saying something and waiting for an answer that might not be what you want to hear?

I am giant scaredie pants (official term).

I wasn't always like this but in the last few months I have turned into jelly.

I used to grab what I wanted by the balls and get it. No question.

If I wanted a job, I got

If I wanted to travel, I made it happen.

If I wanted a boy, I told him how I felt... OK that's a giant fib.  I wouldn't just tell him directly. It would take days, weeks, months of coaching my sorry arse before I said anything.

The thing I am trying to say is that I was ambitious, strong and confident.

Lately I have been feeling flat, in an emotional funk and self doubting.

I am trying to regain control and have to balls to ask the questions I need answering ... it comes back to my medical condition of being a giant scaredie pants. :o)

Is the wool being pulled over my eyes?

My boss asked me to come into his office to talk...

My first assumption is that I have said something (a) inappropriate, (b) offensive, or (c) inappropriate, offensive and loud all in one comment.

No instead I was asked if I wanted a new opportunity in a different team, doing something completely different and working with a whole bunch of new people.

My last blog entry said I was bored with my job.

Now I have been given the opportunity to try something new and I don't want it.

What's wrong with this picture?

My boss doesn't want me to go. I know that its for a few reasons - one, he doesn't want my corporate knowledge of the agency going out the window, two I have a strong work ethic, and three he wants me to stay and enjoys working with me.

It's sweet but I don't want to work in his team any more.

And now I am given an opportunity to work with people I know nothing about, and what their capabilities are, and the first thing I want to do is say no. Fark!

I should be studied.

Part of me wants to try it out... what's three months. Seriously! It will go in a flash. I know that.

Once I am done at the three month mark, I can go back to my old job and do the same thing again. At least I can come back with extra skills and three months to look for another job. Or at least apply for more and more jobs and wait for the call that I have won the job lotto.

OK I might have gone full circle on this whole new opportunity.

Again, I should be studied.

So what to do? What to do!