I just read one of my blogs from about two years ago about my parents deciding to give their marriage another shot and they I would play no role in their marriage and take a step back from it all...
God I'm stupid.
Manipulated by my own parents.
How stupid. I didnt even realise until I sat at the dinner table last Sunday and realised they had been manipulating to become more involved in their marriage and help them by being their mediator, their counsellor, not just their daughter.
You can imagine how angry and stupid I feel now.
So at the table, I lowered my head and waited for the talking to stop and then felt a wave of disappointment, anger and hurt (along with a lot of tears) come over me. I felt broken.
Today is Thursday and its been four days since I spoke to either of them and I feel better. I starting to feel myself again. I don't care about what happens next because it's not my problem. I love them and they are wonderful, funny and crazy people (crazy in a good way) but right now they can't see anything in fog and I don't want to help them through it.
I feel like a cold bitch. I feel guilty. But I know its not my responsibility and they have to learn to leave me be and let me be their daughter, not their mediator, their counsellor or their friend.
Hopefully they find what they are looking for.
They have already had an impact on my past, I don't want it to affect my future.
I am actually slightly scared it might be - or has already - affected my future and how I intepret everything around me but I am lucky I have a wonderful and lovely man, and friends, who are are supporting me and bringing a smile to my face.
It has been a hard couple of days but onwards, and upwards.
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