Mmmmm what can I say?!?

When I was single, I complained about not being in a relationship.

When I was in a relationship, I complained that I wanted to be single.

This thought is not subject to women only, men have the same thought bubbles.

So why do we enter into relationships knowing the majority are doomed to end into tiny broken pieces?

Is it about sex?

Companionship?

Having (a) travel, (b) dinner, (c) movie, (d) sitting in a park buddies.

The fear of dying alone?

Am I missing anything?

I personally don’t have these thought patterns.

I don’t have a fear of dying alone.

I can travel on my own. And have.

I can eat out at restaurants on my own.

I can go to movies on my own.

I can sit in a park on my own.

I have friends and family for companionship.

Ah but last but not least is sex.

You got me there.

Do you need to have a relationship to get it?

As a woman, only wanting that, and nothing else, does it constitute all sorts of slurs on one’s reputation?

If so, why aren’t men subject to the same slurs?

Why do they just get high fives and slaps on the back but women are subjected to slurs such as ‘cheap’, ‘skant’, ‘slut’ or ‘slapper’?

This isn’t the first time this has been brought up.

I am not Germaine Gree.

I only mention it because it hasn’t changed.

Society still hasn’t changed.

It doesn’t matter if Sex and the City revolutionised women in the 21st century, a slut is a slut.

All the Samantha’s in the world can never change how your friends, family and peers see you.

And you won’t ignore it.

Society is built around judging others.

How people see you.

What people think of you.

Everyone wants to be accepted.

Anyone who tells you they don’t care what people think of them … IS A DOWNRIGHT FILTHY LIAR!!!

Learnt my lesson

We had been dating nearly two months when he uttered the words that he couldn't make a girlfriend a priority in his life and I wondered why did he show all the signs that he was in a relationship and the words to go with it.

Why did he lead me on to thinking that a relationship was on the cards when in fact all he wanted was a women who asked no questions and put no pressure on him?

Why not stick to one night stands instead of spending time with me, meeting my friends and showing all the sickly touchy feel monogamous signs of a relationship and then pull the rug from underneath me?

Its sick.

How could someone do this to someone they claim they like and enjoy spending time with them?

Now before anyone says he must have given away signs of wanting nothing but a casual 'relationship', he didn't. He made it clear that he wanted a relationship with me. So what am I suppose to do? I can't badger him and make him sign it in blood. You take someone at their word. Otherwise why have a relationship with them. Why bother entering into a relationship at all.

At this point, he told me that he needed time to think about what I had asked of him and that he liked me and liked spending time with me. In hindsight I should have say goodbye there and then and went on my merry way but I didn't because he told me he liked me and wanted to be with me. Yeah I am sucker because I believed him and trusted him. I was wrong. Completely, and utterly, wrong.

So the problem was that we were completely attracted to one another and any chance of conversation went to wayside when we saw each other. It was hot but after three months of this my brain started to kick in and all thoughts to our conversation started to way heavily on my shoulders.

The last month of our 'relationship' he spent the entire time avoiding the conversation and used his work as an excuse to avoid me. So the jig was up.
I realised I had enough of being jerked around and disrespected by a man who was afraid of sharing his life with a woman whose only misfortune was that she wanted to get to know him.

When I finally got the courage to dump him, I stood in the room and desperately hoped he would look at me and see me. He didn't.

He watched television and completely ignored me. I knew it was over.

So I told him what I wanted from him and his only response was that work was busy, and he had a busy schedule with sporting commitments and he had no idea how I fitted into that.

I was about to walk away and went to him (because the ass couldn't be bothered coming to me) and kissed him goodbye. As I moved, he grabbed me by the arm and I thought, stupidly, that he had changed his mind. He didn't. He only offered his services to me. Oh I was a lucky girl.

I felt really special at that point.

As many of you don't know me, I am being sarcastic. I told him goodbye and walked out. He muttered something but I couldn't turn back and ask him what he said as I feared I would never leave the room and he convince me again to stay.

That was it.

Of the four months I spent with him, two months were wonderful, the rest was a disaster and I didn't want to accept it or face it.

I learnt my lesson not to waste my time with a man who was emotionally unavailable and dysfunctional to the hilt.

Well actually the lesson I learnt was to find out up front their deal and go from there. Life is too short to be wasting it with people who don't really want to stand next to you. That's what everyone wants.

A person who will stand next to you through thick and thin.

How could I get it so wrong?

"This isn't over. I really like you but I just can't make a girlfriend a priority.”

You hear it all the time in the movies, books, magazines and from your girlfriends, and you believe it will never happen to you. Never! Yet it happens. Story after story about how a useless, dim-witted socially dysfunction man who sweeps you off your feet, promises you that you are the one for him and then …

BANG

It happens. You get comfortable. You relax. You think that possibly you've met someone whom you could get to know and who would want to get to know you but I am sorry to say, its not the case.

It happened to me, one fine summer night, while strolling back from a wonderful evening with a man I believed was charming, funny and actually into me. Uttered those gut wrenching words. I stood there like deer in headlights. I didn't move an inch. I forgot to breathe at one point. When I realised I hadn't said anything for what felt like an hour (when in fact it was five seconds), I put up my defences and said

“That's OK, how about you think about it, and let me know.”

That's OK? Did I just say that? Its OK that I got Jackie Chang in the stomach and then king hit by Bruce Willis? That's OK because I wanted him to think harder about how he didn't want me in his life and that anything resembling some sort of relationship was like asking him to slice off his testicles.

All I had said to him was – and boys I meant it when I say this is what I said to him – I would like to get to know you and spend more time with you. Full stop.

Nothing about swapping keys, picking China for our wedding or brainstorming our babies names.
For the love of god!

I actually wanted to get to know him more to see if he was worth getting to know. I am no Shakespeare but I get straight to the point.

I am indeed one of those women, very rare too, who says what is on her mind and means it. No games. No alluding. Just that. Straight to the point. Why beat around the bush when it comes to relationships. You are suppose to get to know someone and starting with lies generally doesn't work in your favour.

Now without sounding like a women scorned believe me when I say that when I am up front, I expect it in return. And when you know the man you are dating because prior to it, you worked together for six months before he left the job, and then you explained at the beginning of the dating ritual that you are not a casual girl, you just don't see yourself as a cheap whore. Call me crazy but I was brought up by two civilised, respected parents, to respect myself, my mind and my body not to be cheapened by a man who is socially inept.

It started off well. I had a crush on him that made me feel like a schoolgirl. I loved it. At work we would flirt with each other but neither of us realised the other liked one another. Classic girl likes boy, boy likes girl but can't quite find a moment to connect. Plus I don't shit in my backyard. I don't date men I work with. Yes, I am a lady. I'm just a smart lady.

So one night I hosted a house-warming after moving I made the move into a fabulous apartment and decided that I would invite him along and make my move. The reality is is that by the time he arrived (five hours after the party started) I was drunk off my ass because I assumed he wasn't coming. So when he arrived dress as The Joker from Batman (the Heath Ledger version, not Jack Nicholson character) I was belting out the hit song 'I don't know what love is' by Foreigner. A classic. Well really I was screaming it and making air guitar gestures at the same time. Yes, I was hot that night.

He sat down, and watched me. And you know what I did, I grabbed one of my girlfriends and dragged her to my bedroom (hang on boys) and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. That's the problem with drinking alcohol, you always forget the crucial part to avoiding a hangover – food. I forgot to eat food. That was my attempt at a move.

They do tell me I am suave... I don't know who these people are though.

So when we arranged for a coffee three days later – and I had recovered from alcohol poisoning – I decided to sit down and be a grown up and see if this boy liked me. Instead I was kept waiting (a sign of things to come) and sent a text message to a friend saying that he was late and that going to give him another two minutes before I tell him to sod off. As I sending this text I noticed he was in the distance so I wrote oh don't worry he is on his way and he looks cute. Yeah I am 12 years old. I sent the text on its merry way and watched him sit down across from. At this point I was gearing myself up to open my mouth but all I can muster was “hi, how are you”... wow truly I should be writing scripts for Hollywood. Anyway as the coffee and chat went on, neither one of us said anything about the house warming except for the fact I was wasted and crashed at my own party. Yes I am a bad host. I know it. Its part of my charm.

After everything was not said, I went on my merry way but with my ego as low as it could be (around my ankles to be exact) and decided that he wasn't the boy for me.

I was feeling pretty low so I called my friend and asked her why she didn't reply to my message when she queried me, saying she never received anything from me.

“Oh dear god! Are you shitting me?”

I realised at that point I had indeed messaged the boy and not my friend.

“Oh my god, I think he knows how I feel about him. Shit! Shit! Shit! What do I do... I know how about you call him and find out if he got the message and what he thinks about the message?”

“You have got to be kidding me?” My friend uttered in disgust. “I am not doing that. Its crazy. Don't worry about it. If he likes you, he will call you.”

“No he won't because I sent him that message, god I am loser,” I seriously was going mad at the embarrassment that I sent the text to the wrong person and now was forcing my dear poor friend to call him and see if he liked me.

What is wrong with this picture? After my friend called the boy she found out that he actually did like me and thought the text was cute (I'm a loser) and that he would call me to chat. See most girls would be all excited instead I threatened not to answer the phone after the shame of sending such a childish text message and then asking my friend to find out if the boy liked me. My god! Can I sink any lower. I can. I didn't answer the phone when he called. One good reason, I was driving on a freeway back to my house and it is not very responsible to answer the phone while driving. So I was being a good citizen. I also was shit scared of answering the phone and needed to think about what I was going to say. A script. I needed a script!

Yeah mental note, scripts don't work. You stumbled through the words, sound rehearsed and look like an idiot. And yes I did look like an idiot.

Through all of that, we managed to organise the first and it was wonderful despite the fact I was so nervous I wanted to throw up. Any smell of food, alcohol and body odour made my stomach hurl.

At the end of the first date of a just drink and wander through the city, he ended up kissing me at my doorstop and that was it.

I was hooked.

That's the problem when it comes to getting hooked, everything become blurring.