Suck it scales!

Yes I had a weigh in and my measurements taken yesterday and the news is good.

Its all good.

I have lost 2 kilos in six weeks.

I have lost 3 centimetre around my waist.

And my chest has increased by more than one centimetre.

The last one was welcomed by my boyfriend.

Finally my body is starting show signs that running three days a week, plus two personal sessions a week and a healthy diet is actually having an impact.

Whoop, whoop!

The added bonus, I went into the clothing store, Jag, on the weekend and fitted into a size 12 skirt and there was room. Yay! I practically skipped out of the change room, randomly saying, "I am a size 12", to my boyfriend for the rest of the day. :o)

Onwards and upwards.

Six weeks from now, I want to lose another three kilos, another three centimetres around my waist, legs and the booty.

Suck it scales! Suck it!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Only if you learn from it. 

I think the past few months, I have been at times irrational, dramatic, paranoid, short tempered, emotional and sleep deprived.

And this is all because of a job.

Why did I take it to the extreme? I saw no way out of my job. A job that was affecting every aspects of my being, be that physical or mental. It was eroding my identity and I was allowing it.

The thing is I have done this before. I’m no stranger to this. The only other time this has happened was when I made the decision to move to London when I was 26.

I was working in the very team I am leaving in three weeks, and the same thoughts/feelings were still there as they are today. My job was killing me (not in the literal sense) because I was working long hours, and thought that by doing that, I would be recognised for that and handsomely rewarded. I wasn’t, and I am still waiting for the reward.

I decided to move to London after a dear friend of mine passed away and everything just changed so suddenly. I decided after attending his funeral to buy a ticket to London.  Honestly, I thought it was the best decision I made and to this day, it remains one of the best decisions I have ever made.  

However, on the day of my flight, I lost my shit. So to speak.

I was no longer in control of the situation, I didn’t have a home organised in London, I didn’t have a job to go to, hell, I hardly knew anyone except two people (and one of them moved to London a month prior and had no luck finding a place). So you can imagine all the feelings and thoughts rushing through my mind on the day I was supposed to fly out.

My family beared witness to a very strange and surreal experience. And again it was over the top and unnecessary.

I am a woman who was used to being in the driver’s seat; a woman who was used to being in control of every minor detail; a woman who at the age of 26 years had never experienced complete and utter chaos.  

The past three months or so have been a grey fog. No end in sight and no idea how to get my shit together. I instead bitched and moaned about how everything sucked and nothing would change it. What I should have done was get my shit together from the beginning and make the change I wanted instead of listening to everyone around me (primarily my boss) telling me what I should do.

These people were not asking me what I wanted, and for a while I decided to give up and just let it happen.

I let it go for far too long and I regret because it pushed to a place where I just became a shell of who I am.

I am independent. I am strong. I am confident. I am assertive.

However, for the past three months I became a pathetic mess, weak, self-loathing, and worst of all, a defeatist. That’s not me. It has never been me and yet, in my eyes, I became that person and accepted it.

What I have learnt from this is that I need to stop over thinking. I need to just my instincts because it has never failed me and usually my first instinct is always the right one.

I will no longer be loyal to any job or any boss. I spent the past eight years being loyal to one boss and to one team, and in the end, it counted for nothing. Yes I got the skills and the training to move on and change my career but if I had done a half arsed job I still would have obtained the same skills and training but without the disenchantment I feel today.

And most importantly, I learnt that I need to ask the questions that I might feel are too hard to ask or that I am scared of what the answer will be.  I know thought that if I don’t ask the question/s, I will always be wondering what that person across from me really thinks… feels.

It’s the unknown that stops me from taking the leap.

I know now that I have nothing to fear and if anyone tries to pull me back then I know what to do with them.

Don't want to count my chickens yet but...

I got some great news yesterday.

A three month opportunity that will mean I can leave my crappy job and try something new.

I am so pumped!

I am not counting my chickens yet as my boss has to OK the transfer but I doubt he would say no. He is keen for me to leave anyway.

Upon getting the confirmation about the job, I called my boss to let him know and instead of congratulating me, he said 'I guess I should congratulate you. Is the job permanent?'


Oh gee I feel overwhelmed by your support.

Instead of telling him top jam it up his arse I responded by saying thanks but no its not permanent.

I know this, if the new boss doesn't offer a permanent position, then there is no way in hell I am going back to my old team. Not after the week I have had this week.

It was humiliating moving all my stuff from my desk and moving to a desk outside of my team's pod. Some colleagues where not kind at all and ignored the fact I had been shafted, while the others felt sorry for me and didn't know what to say.

While no one made me feel crap but I did feel like that and it was bloody awful.

Anyway I only have to wait three weeks before I can move to my new team and then that's it.

I can say good bye to my old team, my old boss, my old life and look forward to something brand new and something that will open new doors for me.

I  would like to leave my current job in a more positive way but I doubt that will be happening.

Not too worry. It's not my problem.

As I said, screw 'em!

P.S the moment I got a call about this job, 15 minutes later, I got another call from recruiter about another job. Not too shabby!

What can I say...

Nothing.

I am speechless.

I found out this afternoon my job changed without anyone uttering a single word.

I was emailing someone on leave and read her out of office message and saw that I had taken over her role.

Apparently it was announced when I had day off. 

When I walked into the office today, no one said a thing. No one told me anything about it.

When I asked, the response was that they thought the boss should tell me.

That boss conveniently took the day off from work today. 

This is the third time I have found out that my job has changed via someone else... be that an out of office message, a piece of paper with name on it, or my desk moved. Now I want to be clear, it is not a reflection of me because quite frankly i am FRIGGIN' AWESOME at my job but, as my boss explained, you will go where I say you will go. 

And in the past I have made it work but today I reached my limit of always saying yes to every single bullshit task my boss asks.

The looks on my colleagues were of embarrassment. They knew they should have spoken up for me but said nothing. They knew they should have called me straight away but they didn't. They knew that what my boss was doing was outrageous but said nothing. 

I have mentored and supported these very people and now when I needed, they said nothing.

What can you do?! 

So I am speechless. In disbelief. So angry and frustrated that I am crying.

I do have a wonderful support network of a boyfriend, friends and family who are doing a fab job cheering me up and catching me so I don't fall.

BUT I need to remember that I am not defeated and that no one has control over my career. No one has the right to tell me what I can and can't do... because if you try, just watch what happens. 

Tomorrow Ill go into work, do this job that I was never hired for or qualified for, and when the day comes (and it actually be very soon) for me to hand in my resignation letter there will be no reservations, no apprehension, and no overthinking. 

It will be a smile, a nod and goodbye. 

Eight years counts for nothing

Screw em I say!

I walked into my boss' office and put it on the line and all he had to say was:

I need to think of the team

Screw you! I am part of your team, what about me!?!?!

Douche!

So apparently I don't have a say on what happens to me and my job because he is thinking of the team and making sure his arse is covered.

He is putting a new role offered to me in jeopardy because he authorised five people to have leave in one month and he is afraid of the impact on the rest of the team.

NOT MY PROBLEM!!!

Anyway I just looked at him and realised that eight years of loyalty counted for nothing.

I worked long hours, I worked weekends, I changed jobs without any fight... I was sent to another state, in the middle of no where  ... his excuse, I have a family and commitments, and you don't, so the impact is less. Yeah! I don't have to explain my rage on that one.

I come in every day and give 100 per cent. I have done that for eight long years.

And now he thinks he has the right to turn around and tell me sorry, it counts for nothing.

Screw em!

Even now, I just shake my head in disbelief that someone could treat you like this.

All the long hours etc. counted for nothing. NOTHING!

If I had done a half-arsed job like everyone around me in my team does (and has continued since the day I arrived) then I would still be in the shit position I am now but at least I wouldn't feel like a dick head.

Selfish arse poo muncher! That's what I wanted to call him. I just couldn't open my mouth and say it.

I know that if I am placed in a job that I don't want, I will just hand in resignation, tell him shove it up his arse and hopefully he gets a paper cut.

No one should be treated like this and no one should treat ME like this.

I just want to vent because I am in just disbelief. That how I explain it right now.

Disbelief.

I am tired of the restless nights...

And I don't even have a baby so I have no excuses for being tired but I am not sleeping (or getting around four hours) because my brain will not just switch off.

It's bloody irritating.

I have questions that need answering but I don't know how to approach it.

I have thoughts that I want to express but not sure how to frame it.

And I hate change because I am not control.

So if you want to change your career, your life goals, or simply speak to someone, how do you do it when it means saying something and waiting for an answer that might not be what you want to hear?

I am giant scaredie pants (official term).

I wasn't always like this but in the last few months I have turned into jelly.

I used to grab what I wanted by the balls and get it. No question.

If I wanted a job, I got

If I wanted to travel, I made it happen.

If I wanted a boy, I told him how I felt... OK that's a giant fib.  I wouldn't just tell him directly. It would take days, weeks, months of coaching my sorry arse before I said anything.

The thing I am trying to say is that I was ambitious, strong and confident.

Lately I have been feeling flat, in an emotional funk and self doubting.

I am trying to regain control and have to balls to ask the questions I need answering ... it comes back to my medical condition of being a giant scaredie pants. :o)