Ah they were right...

Everyone told me only I could change things and turn things around.

I was the only one who could sort my shit out; no one else could do it for me.

And in my stubborn ways, I just nodded and listened but didn't quite understand how. 

They were right though. 

I started making some changes and I have to say, I feel me. 

I was allowing myself to wallow in the crap that i created, and even worse, allowed some people around me to lead me astray because I was lazy and thought it was easier just to say nothing. Simple. 

Its a hard thing to swallow when you realise that. 

And while I don't shoulder all the craziness around me on my own, I have allowed it to engulf me and affect others. And that's shit. To be frank. And I am sorry for that. 

While I know this is just a bump in the road (a one off as they say) it still doesn't excuse the fact that I became so self indulgent and critical of myself. I know I am not that person. 

I am better than that. 

Who I have been for the past few months, isn't me. And she's gone as far as I am concerned because I've had enough of her. Begone, moody bitch! ;o)

I have now taken charge. 

Funniest joke in the world... what do you think?

A women gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, Ill hold your monkey for you."

:o)

Rock bottom

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better.

I also fully saw how loved I am and supported I am by a group of wonderful people around me. People who are worried about me, and who want me to be happy. Knowing that, can be a little emotional and overwhelming. It is also quite strengthening and uplifting.

And while I write this, I can feel the tears coming on BUT more importantly, I am smiling.

It is a wonderful feeling.

It is a wonderful feeling to know, who actually does care about you, when you are feeling down.

And who is around to help you up, and stand next to you to make sure you are steady on your feet.

I haven't 'recovered' or been 'cured' because that would be too simplistic. But i know this is a time in my life that I just need some extra help, someone to talk to, and to reassess my priorities in my life. More importantly, to see what is ahead of me, more positively and with a big smile. Because what is ahead of me is wonderful. I am very excited. And I can't wait.

The tears may still come for a little longer but ill let them. I need it. Because I am not 'fine' but I will be.

For the very first time, I went to a counsellor yesterday, to talk about what is happening with me, and why I'm not coping. This process of talking to a stranger, who analyses you like a case study in a text book, makes me uncomfortable but everything I have tried before hasn't work, so why not. That's my motto this year. Try something new, try something you have never done before. And if it doesn't work, well you tried. Can't argue with that. Better to try than not, I say.

She was a great listener and gave me some reassurance that I will be ok. And its not the last time I will see her but I almost feel a little lighter since my chat with her. I even laughed today. A genuine laugh, not faked. And it didnt make me tired. It was really nice. Even my boss "noted" that I laughed and she very happy to see me laugh again. As was I.

So what happens next? No idea. I have blocked my mother from all contact, even doctor's advice. I need space and quiet from her drama.

But I need most is my wonderful man, and fabulous friends, around me. I am very grateful for them and their watchful eye. :o)

Thanks kids.

Bahahahahaha

:o)

One small step at a time

It might be a baby step but its still a step in the right direction.

I had the best and worst days in the past week.

Its been rough. And wonderful at the same time.

You have to hit rock bottom before you can really see yourself and can begin to rebuild it all. I have chosen to be happy, to be strong and to be well.

I refuse to allow anyone to steer me, guide me or make me feel that I am not in command of my own path. So I have made the decision to stay away. I blocked my mother's number until I know she can be a grown up and sort her shit out, without involving me in it.

I have decided that in order for me to get back to the woman I was - bubbly, strong, smiling, calm that I need to block her number. And today it was done; coincidentally on Mother's Day but you have to do what you have to do.

And today, I also woke up happy; so happy that I was on the brink of tears. Happy tears. :o)

And it will only get better.

I am supported by a wonderful man who took time off work to be with me, and make sure I was ok. This isnt the only thing this man has done for me, and I am very grateful for his support, and laughter. Maybe more than he knows... or maybe he does and doesn't say.

Today is a small step and I look forward to the next.

Seriously Canberra, its called merging not racing

Honestly awful, awful, awful.

That's how to describe a Canberra driver.

Picture this, you are making your way home, after long day, and you think today, just today, please don't piss me off. But nooooooo!!! Instead all i see is Canberrans trying to figure out what merge means and then watch them completely throw their driving skills out the window.

Every day, and every night, without fail, an idiot gets on the road. And in my way.

Does the word 'merge' mean you race me two car lengths behind me to create a bottle neck where I have no choice but to brake in order to let you in? Or just have you smash my car? Hmmmm which path shall I choose?

I would rather ram my car into yours but that is a little over the top, even for me.

Why? Why do insist on doing this every day?

Roundabouts... another issue.

Canberra is filled with them. If you were born in Canberra and drive in Canberra then you come across roundabouts at least a few times a day. Its not hard to drive up to one, within one, and out one. But nooooo!!! You still cannot figure it out. Every morning, and every night, without fail.

Its exhausting. I always think its the same drivers but it cannot be so.

Canberra drivers have such a bad rep; and its justified.

I was thought to drive by a older man, who drove for a very long time, and was pretty clear of the road rules and how to follow them.

So I don't get it?

Why do you cut me off when you can clearly see I am in the lane?

Why do you insist on using your indicator for the roundabout incorrectly and confusing the shit out of everyone around you who just sit there and wait until you leave before moving forward.

Why do you not understand the word merge? Red light? Amber light? Double lines? Speed limits? Average speed cameras? Basically anything to do with road rules?

Its annoying. Its embarrassing. And I might start calling myself a Victorian because at least they know how to drive to suit the environment.

For every Canberran who drives on Adelaide Avenue every day and every night... get out of my way and my Ford. You have been warned.

I intend to continue to ridicule Canberra drivers until one day the light bulb turns on and they get better... or I move.