Resolutions...

Today is the last day of 2013.

And everyone in about eight hours will be celebrating 2014... and coming up with stupid resolutions to mark it.

It will last approx. two weeks before all is forgotten.

In the spirit of that, I found a list of resolutions**. Feel free to do them all, do 20, 10 or even one of them. I personally like the last one. Always a keeper.

“I’m 2014 I will…”

1. Read 5/10/20/50 books
2. Get up earlier
3. Give up coffee
4. Volunteer
5. Take more public transport
6. Bring lunch to work every day
7. Spend more time with my family/spouse/kids/friends
8. Join the gym
9. See every film nominated for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars
10. Clean the house EVERY week

11. Make a new friend/group of friends
12. Quit my job
13. …Get a new job
14. Keep a journal
15. Start a TAFE/uni course
16. Stop buying things on display at checkouts
17. Learn all of the words to a CD
18. Start a sport
19. Drink 2L of water every day
20. Start giving a regular contribution to a charity

21. Spend less time watching TV/online
22. Look in the mirror each morning and pay myself one compliment
23. Give up smoking
24. Take up running/walking
25. Learn a language
26. Drink less
27. Have more down time
28. Stretch each morning
29. Take one photo each day
30. Buy fewer clothes/shoes/takeaway dinners

31. Get a P/C/D/HD average at uni
32. Give up swearing
33. Stand up for myself more
34. Start a weekly life drawing/pottery/mosaic class
35. Catch up with one old school/uni friend each month
36.Travel by myself
37. Finish a video/mobile phone game
38. Start a blog and post each day
39. Discover a new suburb/neighbourhood in my city/town
40. Learn how to sew and make an item of clothing to prove it

41. Do one nice thing for a stranger each day
42. Remember to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
43. Teach someone a skill
44. Read the newspaper for an hour each Sunday
45. Learn to play an instrument
46. Have one makeup free day each week
47. Start my own business
48. Call your parents twice as often as I do now
49. Buy a new CD by an Australian artist each month
50. Walk all journeys that would take less than five minutes by car

51. Complete a DIY project for the house
52. Save more of my salary each month
53. Be on time for work/uni
54. Be happy

** Courtesy of mamamia.com.au. Thanks for the list. 

Slipped disc? WTF!

They say your 30s are the best years..

I am 32 years and my body is already breaking.

I want to return it.

I don't have a receipt but its available to a good home if anyone wants it.

I have seen many physio's over the years and not one - NOT ONE - ever mentioned a slipped disc which I apparently have had for many years.

Bastards!

I saw a physio today - one i googled - and he told me exactly what I didnt want to hear but silver linig is that now I know what is wrong, and that I can fix it.

He did remark on my ability to work out with a slipped disc. Apparently I can put up with a lot of pain (not sure if its something you should be proud of) but hey Ill take it. It means I can pat myself on my back and commend myself for not being such a princess. Still, I am a bloody moron for not going to this physio sooner and hoping the pain would just go away.

The best thing about being in your 30s.... you learn your lesson really quickly and fix it even quicker.

I might be hobbling around but ill live... plus the second glass of white wine helps and my man making me dinner sweetens the deal. ;-)

All moved in...

So its been just over a week since I moved into my new home with the boy and all is unpacked.

Everything is in its place.

No more boxes to unravel.

No more unmarked boxes to surprise me.

This place is HUGE!!

Its way bigger than my last place.

It has a big kitchen.

A big lounge room.

Two bedrooms.

AND a kick arse walk in wardrobe.

I am in heaven.

And it seems I have become all domesticated. I actually am cooking more and enjoying it. Me? Enjoying cooking and cleaning. I am a freak!!

I friggin' love this place.

It so pretty and so close to all the cafes, markets and fancy pants places I've always wanted to try out but too lazy to do it on the weekend.

I'm loving myself sick!!

Exercise is a bitch!

Jumping Jacks = 75

Burpees = 25

Leg levers = 50

Jumping Jacks = 75

Situps = 50

Burpees = 25

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Three rounds to be exact.

That's what I did tonight.

There was a lot of cursing.

A lot grunts.

Roars.

And more swearing.

I got through it though but my god exercise is a bitch.

I am determined to get through it but there will be swearing right to the bitter end.

I am saying it loud...

Next month, I am starting a new healthy plan.

A plan to be healthier and happier.

I joined Michelle Bridge's 12 week body transformation plan and part of the program is to say, aloud, that I am committed to the program. So here it is.

I am not looking to lose a lot of weight but more to tone up and stop my wobbling bits from wobbling ... too much. 

I am committed. I've paid. I'm doing it.

Good luck to me!

xoxo

November is turning to be an exciting month....

And its on 25 October.... November hasn't even started yet.

I am turning 32 years young.

I am going to Tasmania for my birthday.

I am moving into my new place.

And my job is in limbo... sort of.

So recently the current Government decided to do some laundry and merge my department with another department... I am still on the spin cycle.

I might be missing a few socks but the clothes will turn out clean.

OK ill stop ...

I am not sure what is happening next but November seems to be the month of new beginnings; of change.

I am excited about the next few weeks and curious about how it all works out.

I wanted change and now I've got it...

I just need to breathe and remember that I am in control of it all. A career change is what I am been begging for, whinging for, bitching and moaning for... and now I am getting it.

This is going to be sweet...

Exciting times ahead

So in less than four weeks I will be moving.

Not to a new town.

But to a new place with my lovely man.

I am going to live with my lovely man and its exciting times ahead.

The obvious reason is that I am deliriously happy and he is deliriously happy so why not live together.

The other reason is that he thinks I am totally awesome and can't wait to live with me... yes I am sure that's why. Because I am awesome. He mentally high fives himself just thinking about my awesomeness. :o)

Ok I might be a little over confident about the bonuses of living with me but why shouldn't I be this excited. I am so excited that every time I think about it I get sooky and soft and become all girly girl. I've never lived with a boy, other than my two grubby brothers, so this is going to be fun and interesting. I can't wait.

The only thing I am not excited about it is the actual packing of things and moving. Moving is a bitch! I just want to throw everything in boxes and then figure it out later... i know there isn't any logic to my madness.

Tonight I've started throwing things in bags that I want to throw, recycle and keep... and of course I got distracted after finding some random photos of my holidays that I hadn't put in an album and then.... well the distraction continued and now I am at my laptop.

I should go back to the packing... there is shit everywhere...

oooh I just found a unmarked CD in the pile.. i should listen before I throw it away.

ta ta

But I want that chocolate....

God being healthy is so hard.

I know my goal to wear a bikini this year would be a big ask... even just wearing a swimsuit outside without anything covering me, will be hard but i didn't realise it would be this difficult.

I just want chocolate. Cheese. Crackers.

I want it.

But I won't.

I am committed to being healthy and trying to do as much exercise as I can do in order to wear a swimsuit.

But its so hard and I don't wanna.

I know its a immature response but come on!! I went from being a very overweight girls to a slightly overweight girl and i want to be healthier and in the health weight range.... but i want me chocolate too.

So i have to assume myself right now to keep my mind occupied or ill find a way to eat the chocolate, cheese and crackers that will only hamper my goal.

I wish i craved something boring like, spinach. That would work.

"It shouldn't be this hard, right?"

A dear, sweet, friend of mine asked me that tonight.

And I have a simple answer, it is that hard.

It should be that hard because when the good one comes along, you will take notice. You will recognise that there is a good man in front of you. There are no games to be played. There are no questioning behaviour. There are no unanswered questions. Because its supposed to be easy. Seamless. Simple.

It's not always that way but it should be that way at the beginning, middle and end.

If its difficult from the beginning what hope is there for a lasting relationship?

My friend is lonely; her words. She wants a man who will just stand next to her, and not runaway at the first sign of a speed bump. Not too much to ask. You do need to go through the crap first though. Thats part of the ironic fun. :o)

Ah dating. Its so fucking hard but so easy at the same time.

You shouldn't think so hard about it but sometimes it comes harder when you're guard is up.

Hats off to you Coles

Judgy was a bear...

A few days ago, I opened up one of my fashion pages and in horror saw them spruiking clothes at Coles. COLES!!! A friggin supermarket.

Seriously!!

Anyway I made it my mission today to go and check it out and I was surprised.

So surprised I ended up buying a striped black and white dress with blue trim, and a pair of black capri pants. All for $30 bucks!!

Not bad Coles, not bad at all.

I stand corrected.

And the quality isnt too bad... more target than Big W.

Can't complain about that.

I hate being a woman sometimes...

Stupid hormones.

I hate you. Boo you!!

Without going into too much detail, every second person on the planet at one point or another, watches a commercial containing the following: a puppy, a baby, a commercial about fathers making coffees with their daughters, and we become a blubbering mess.

Without fail, each month, one commercial will on television and break through my confident self, and I end up becoming a weepy and pathetic girl. Stupid hormones.

Case in point - new ad from Nescafe which features a dad standing in his kitchen boiling some water to add to the crappy instant coffee he has spooned in there for his daughter... while he does that memories of her as a little girl pops up in his mind and he looks out the window, smiling away. That's it.

That's the ad but I get weepy and pathetic. Not because the ad is emotional and touching (cause it's not) its because of the stupid hormones... boo you! I hate instant coffee and I hate ads that look like a Bold and the Beautiful episode where its all misty and soft music is playing in the background.

If you haven't guess the ad just popped up and I cursed it. Over and over again.

Stupid hormones. I boo you!

So the election is on in Australia and I am bored already.

It is same of everything.

Same lies.

Same bullshit.

B-o-r-i-n-g!

Still, its annoying to hear people say they don't care who they vote for because it doesn't matter. It does matter. 

It matters a lot because some people don't have that right... ok I'm not going to be one of those people who ran and rave about the importance of having your say but it is important.

So no donkey votes people.

And no voting for One Nation.

And for the love of god to be stupid when you vote... unless you are voting for the following: Australian Sex Party; or the Coke in the Bubblers Party, well then, good luck to you.

Step aside, old lady slowly walking past

After working away from home for the past three weeks and working a minimum 15 hour days, you can imagine my enthusiasm for exercise would be a little lacklustre right now.

So two days ago, I was encouraged to try a new exercise regime and I was keen. I had done little exercise while I was away and was feeling a little blergh to say the least, so exercise was right up my alley.

Next time ... I will stretch.

Yesterday and today I am feeling it. I am walking around (if not slowly) like an old lady. But I will prevail. I am determined to wear a bikini this summer, for the first time in my life.

I have to push through even though I feel like this right now:

Or even feel a little like this:

I will be like this in five months:

Here's hoping!!

I'm back

After being away for work for the past three weeks and I am now back in the world.

I've spent the past few days hanging out with my man and chilling. There were no plans and nothing that required me to use my brain in anyway... I had overused during the past three weeks and needed a break.

The work trip was a success and now I am sitting on my couch, relaxing with music in the background.

Nothing much to say but the fact I cannot stop smiling and feel at peace.

I am at my happiest right now in my life.

Just purely happy.

xx

Sorry what did you say...

No one can hear me.

I can't speak up.

And I can't eat ice cream.

Tonsillitis sucks!

I thought the benefits of having a painful throat that you could get ice cream and all the other forbidden food groups I stay clear most of the time.

But NO!!! I can't even swallow without winching in pain (I am sure people out there are making all sorts of puns at that comment... i did too).

So for now I sit inside in my house, under a blanket, watching bad tv and lots of dvds, while sipping lemon/ginger tea.

Good morning, good morning, its great to stay up late

I am in a great mood this morning.

Actually I've been feeling myself (i.e. good mood) for more than two weeks now and I LOVE IT!

I am feeling great about myself. My life. Everything and everyone around me. Its fabulous.

:o)

Ah they were right...

Everyone told me only I could change things and turn things around.

I was the only one who could sort my shit out; no one else could do it for me.

And in my stubborn ways, I just nodded and listened but didn't quite understand how. 

They were right though. 

I started making some changes and I have to say, I feel me. 

I was allowing myself to wallow in the crap that i created, and even worse, allowed some people around me to lead me astray because I was lazy and thought it was easier just to say nothing. Simple. 

Its a hard thing to swallow when you realise that. 

And while I don't shoulder all the craziness around me on my own, I have allowed it to engulf me and affect others. And that's shit. To be frank. And I am sorry for that. 

While I know this is just a bump in the road (a one off as they say) it still doesn't excuse the fact that I became so self indulgent and critical of myself. I know I am not that person. 

I am better than that. 

Who I have been for the past few months, isn't me. And she's gone as far as I am concerned because I've had enough of her. Begone, moody bitch! ;o)

I have now taken charge. 

Funniest joke in the world... what do you think?

A women gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, Ill hold your monkey for you."

:o)

Rock bottom

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better.

I also fully saw how loved I am and supported I am by a group of wonderful people around me. People who are worried about me, and who want me to be happy. Knowing that, can be a little emotional and overwhelming. It is also quite strengthening and uplifting.

And while I write this, I can feel the tears coming on BUT more importantly, I am smiling.

It is a wonderful feeling.

It is a wonderful feeling to know, who actually does care about you, when you are feeling down.

And who is around to help you up, and stand next to you to make sure you are steady on your feet.

I haven't 'recovered' or been 'cured' because that would be too simplistic. But i know this is a time in my life that I just need some extra help, someone to talk to, and to reassess my priorities in my life. More importantly, to see what is ahead of me, more positively and with a big smile. Because what is ahead of me is wonderful. I am very excited. And I can't wait.

The tears may still come for a little longer but ill let them. I need it. Because I am not 'fine' but I will be.

For the very first time, I went to a counsellor yesterday, to talk about what is happening with me, and why I'm not coping. This process of talking to a stranger, who analyses you like a case study in a text book, makes me uncomfortable but everything I have tried before hasn't work, so why not. That's my motto this year. Try something new, try something you have never done before. And if it doesn't work, well you tried. Can't argue with that. Better to try than not, I say.

She was a great listener and gave me some reassurance that I will be ok. And its not the last time I will see her but I almost feel a little lighter since my chat with her. I even laughed today. A genuine laugh, not faked. And it didnt make me tired. It was really nice. Even my boss "noted" that I laughed and she very happy to see me laugh again. As was I.

So what happens next? No idea. I have blocked my mother from all contact, even doctor's advice. I need space and quiet from her drama.

But I need most is my wonderful man, and fabulous friends, around me. I am very grateful for them and their watchful eye. :o)

Thanks kids.

Bahahahahaha

:o)

One small step at a time

It might be a baby step but its still a step in the right direction.

I had the best and worst days in the past week.

Its been rough. And wonderful at the same time.

You have to hit rock bottom before you can really see yourself and can begin to rebuild it all. I have chosen to be happy, to be strong and to be well.

I refuse to allow anyone to steer me, guide me or make me feel that I am not in command of my own path. So I have made the decision to stay away. I blocked my mother's number until I know she can be a grown up and sort her shit out, without involving me in it.

I have decided that in order for me to get back to the woman I was - bubbly, strong, smiling, calm that I need to block her number. And today it was done; coincidentally on Mother's Day but you have to do what you have to do.

And today, I also woke up happy; so happy that I was on the brink of tears. Happy tears. :o)

And it will only get better.

I am supported by a wonderful man who took time off work to be with me, and make sure I was ok. This isnt the only thing this man has done for me, and I am very grateful for his support, and laughter. Maybe more than he knows... or maybe he does and doesn't say.

Today is a small step and I look forward to the next.

Seriously Canberra, its called merging not racing

Honestly awful, awful, awful.

That's how to describe a Canberra driver.

Picture this, you are making your way home, after long day, and you think today, just today, please don't piss me off. But nooooooo!!! Instead all i see is Canberrans trying to figure out what merge means and then watch them completely throw their driving skills out the window.

Every day, and every night, without fail, an idiot gets on the road. And in my way.

Does the word 'merge' mean you race me two car lengths behind me to create a bottle neck where I have no choice but to brake in order to let you in? Or just have you smash my car? Hmmmm which path shall I choose?

I would rather ram my car into yours but that is a little over the top, even for me.

Why? Why do insist on doing this every day?

Roundabouts... another issue.

Canberra is filled with them. If you were born in Canberra and drive in Canberra then you come across roundabouts at least a few times a day. Its not hard to drive up to one, within one, and out one. But nooooo!!! You still cannot figure it out. Every morning, and every night, without fail.

Its exhausting. I always think its the same drivers but it cannot be so.

Canberra drivers have such a bad rep; and its justified.

I was thought to drive by a older man, who drove for a very long time, and was pretty clear of the road rules and how to follow them.

So I don't get it?

Why do you cut me off when you can clearly see I am in the lane?

Why do you insist on using your indicator for the roundabout incorrectly and confusing the shit out of everyone around you who just sit there and wait until you leave before moving forward.

Why do you not understand the word merge? Red light? Amber light? Double lines? Speed limits? Average speed cameras? Basically anything to do with road rules?

Its annoying. Its embarrassing. And I might start calling myself a Victorian because at least they know how to drive to suit the environment.

For every Canberran who drives on Adelaide Avenue every day and every night... get out of my way and my Ford. You have been warned.

I intend to continue to ridicule Canberra drivers until one day the light bulb turns on and they get better... or I move.

Brothers are funny

I have to share cause its funny.

I am lucky I had brothers because sisters would have been bloody awful.

I had a source of entertainment for many, many years and still continues today.

My older brother is 34, lives with his long term girlfriend.

My younger brother is 29, lives with his fiancee and is a father of two children under 3 years.

I remember stories about them that still make me laugh.

One rode his brand new BMX bike as hard and fast as could into a brick wall, and then stumbled out of the garage and said the wall jumped out at me. My younger brother and I could not stop laughing and I peed my pants a little.

The younger brother used the same words when he walked into a tree and said the tree jumped out at him.

Hmmmmm.

One has shaved his eyebrow off and pretended he had a shaving accident.... what was the shaver doing need your eyebrow, I asked? He said, it wasn't. Hmmmm.

The younger sent cash to his real estate agent for his bond but had no letter and no reference in the envelope... he had hoped his agent would know it was from him. Hmmmm.

Hey I have done some really stupid things... I said I wanted to be a gyno and study the ocean. I was 14 years old at the time of the comment.. not my best day.

Man I could write these stories forever... there are too many.

They are funny guys!

:-)

Tonight I realised - and very slowly i might say - how lucky I am.

I am surrounded by supportive, strong men.

I just chatted with one man, my older brother. For nearly two hours tonight we talked about everything that's happening in his life (and mine of course). Interestingly, this is the same brother who used drive me insane when we were kids, and pretty much, up until I moved out in my mid-20s.

He used to do what all brothers... be pain in the arse.

He would burp in my face, fart at the dinner table while I ate, sit downstairs in our basement while playing the computer to 3am (my room was just above the computers). I wanted to break those computers so badly.

He would try to demand payment for fixing the computers after I would break it or download a virus because I was trying to find free stuff. I never did. I just kept downloading viruses. Sorry about that.

He was awful to grow up with.

And now at 34 and 31, respectively, my brother and I are more closer than we have ever been, and its lovely. I feel a sense of warmth as a result.

He called me tonight to chat.

He also pointed out that it cost him $8 to talk to me on the mobile but that is my brother. And he is a giant tight-arse. Its in his DNA... but some reason it skipped a generation. ;-)

I also decided enough is enough. I am very lucky girl. I have many, many things to be happy about.  So the moody bitch is dead. I am even bored listening to her. :-)

So what's next? I have the day off from work this week (courtesy of my boss who said I needed a day off to relax... LOVE THAT) and I am going to enjoy the shit out of it.

Ta ta
xx

Seriously I could talk about all the other crap my brother did to me when we were kids but Ill be kind. Also you need to factor in the the fact I had two brothers, older and younger, torturing me day and night for two good solid decades.... i gave it back much better.

Google, you bastard

I hate google.

I hate you hard but I love you too.

I was not feeling at work today so I was looking around and looked at weekends away and holiday packages. I shouldn't do that when there is no holiday in sight yet. Makes me depressed.

I need a break but not quite sure what kind of mini break I want. I just don't want to be at work.

Don't get me wrong, work is good but its work.

Where to go? Where to go?

A bed and breakfast in the country?
A hotel room in Canberra?
A tent in the bush?
A weekend trip to Sydney?
A long weekend to Queensland?
Or a cuddle on the couch?

All good options. Some better than others.

I need a break, I just don't know where.

Damn you Google. You wonderful bastard!

I am going back to my happy place

I'm angry.

I'm frustrated.

I just got a call from my mother, asking me why I was wasn't visiting at her work today. One reason, you are working, and second, I never said I would. Then she proceeds to get upset (and no one wants to hear that) and I can hear myself folding like a chair. I say: I will come visit her at work now, she says no because her friend is visiting her soon and then they are catching up after she finishes. WTF!!!!

So why make me feel like a total bitch because I don't feel like going to the shops and catching up when you are working. F**k. I am little angry right now. It will pass.

I am refusing to drive to her because I always do it. I always fold because its that guilt. I still folded though. I suggested catching up during my lunch break during work (so I have an excuse to leave and go back to work). And again I feel like a bitch for that.

Why do my parents, particularly my mother, feel that somehow I am beholded to them after 15 years of being front and centre in their marriage (if you call it that) of yelling, screaming, name calling and bitterness. Its affected me. And I hate that. That's why I am getting angry.

When children grow up, they create lives for themselves. They build their own worlds. Not for my parents, I have to drop everything when they call, be dragged to weekly dinners, made to feel guilty because I don't call every day to say hi.

That guilt is probably a creation of my own doing and not theirs but I learnt from the best.

My brothers don't have this problem. They can switch off. Hang up the phone and go on about their lives. Why can't I do that? I just sit her and stew. That's fucked. (yeah I swore). My brain needs to be re-wired.

Writing this blog is a way for me to vent because its the stewing that fucks me over. It makes me sit up at night, not sleeping, and reliving things in my head, over and over again.

I'm not having that.

No sir bob.

Up until an hour ago, I had the BEST long weekend. I spent it relaxing with my boyfriend, hanging out, playing games, eating chocolate. Just being happy.

I am going back to my happy place. :-)

UPDATE: Happy place achieved. Much quicker this time too. I smiling away and have no cares right now. I could almost break out in a dance.

I know, I know but I can't help it

I talk too much.

I talk to the point where I actually feel a sense of guilt because I feel like I've stopped people from talking because I won't shut the fuck up!

I'm not talking shit - well not too much shit - but I am talking up more air than usual.

I was sitting at work today and I just stopped. I didn't say much for the whole day because I felt that I spent the last 24 hours talking and it was just ridiculous. I talked about work, things on television, random things. So usual.

Today I decided kept quiet and close my mouth shut. It's guilt. It's odd because I don't know where this guilt comes from but it's there, it's real and it's strong.

Anyway I need to close my mouth sometimes because sometimes someone else has something to say and sometimes I can't hear because I AM TALKING TOO MUCH.

LOL at least I can laugh.

xxx

Ah that's what it feels like

I woke yesterday morning with a big smile on my face and a weight off my shoulders.

I can't explain it. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything changing but I felt like me again.

I felt like smiling.

I felt like laughing.

And nothing was fake. Nothing was exaggerated. It was all real because I felt calm and happy.

And it continues. I feel exactly the same on day two. Can't it? Can't be real? Will it suddenly go away? Who knows but I'm enjoying it while its here.

I spent much of yesterday cooking and baking, and bought myself a second hand red leather jacket that made me feel gorgeous and hot. I felt very sexy. And I don't usually say that about myself.

I cooked a lasagne and a stew and decided to bake my man a chocolate truffle cake just because he has been putting up with a moody, sulky, whingy bitch. I know it. He doesnt say it (and hopefully doesnt think it. ;-) ). I don't like being that person because its not me. It never was. Just the job, my family, some friends and the world got to me and invited it. I have now decided enough is enough and I'm come first. And without being selfish, my happiness comes first because without it, everything and everyone else around me is affected.

So whatever cloud, mist, fog, shit parade has been dumped me on me in the past year it can fuck off, cause I'm not interested and I don't want to hear it anymore. Because its not my problem.

I feel very calm and relaxed. Its odd but I like it.

Sorry but its not my problem anymore

I just read one of my blogs from about two years ago about my parents deciding to give their marriage another shot and they I would play no role in their marriage and take a step back from it all...

God I'm stupid.

Manipulated by my own parents.

How stupid. I didnt even realise until I sat at the dinner table last Sunday and realised they had been manipulating to become more involved in their marriage and help them by being their mediator, their counsellor, not just their daughter.

You can imagine how angry and stupid I feel now.

So at the table, I lowered my head and waited for the talking to stop and then felt a wave of disappointment, anger and hurt (along with a lot of tears) come over me. I felt broken.

Today is Thursday and its been four days since I spoke to either of them and I feel better. I starting to feel myself again. I don't care about what happens next because it's not my problem. I love them and they are wonderful, funny and crazy people (crazy in a good way) but right now they can't see anything in fog and I don't want to help them through it.

I feel like a cold bitch. I feel guilty. But I know its not my responsibility and they have to learn to leave me be and let me be their daughter, not their mediator, their counsellor or their friend.

Hopefully they find what they are looking for.

They have already had an impact on my past, I don't want it to affect my future.

I am actually slightly scared it might be - or has already - affected my future and how I intepret everything around me but I am lucky I have a wonderful and lovely man, and friends, who are are supporting me and bringing a smile to my face.

It has been a hard couple of days but onwards, and upwards.

I still cant decide yet...

Why is it so hard for me to know if I like my job yet?

Its been four months and I'm still a bit meh about it.

I'm not excited about coming into work. I'm bursting to come in every morning.

I realised that I don't to work in my industry any more but I want to work in the organisation I work in. How odd is that. You think it would be the other way around. I know there are so many opportunities for me across the organisation but in terms of the job itself, it doesn't excite me. In fact, it leaves me feeling flat. And that is what annoys me the most because I can't shake it off.

Some people just come into work, do their job, go home. And their outside life is what fulfils  excites them and inspires them. My outside life does just that. Is it too much to ask for my work to do the same? Me thinks, yes.

I know you can't love your job every day. Some days are going test you, some days are going to drive you mad but the majority of it should excite you. Make you believe you are doing good in the world.

I work in an organisation that is actually making a real difference to people. Its putting food in their mouth, a roof over their head and a helping hand. What i say, is exactly what it does. My old job only touted that but it only hindered and made life a lot more difficult for people, not better.

I also concede its only four months and its too soon to tell. But i want to snap out of this whiny attitude that I have because I don't like and I am sure the people around me are getting a little tired of hearing it... even though they would never say and indulge me by letting my have a little whine, here and there.

Still, I don't like hearing so i decided that enough is enough. Just get in there, do my job, and maybe one day soon (when i least expect it) something will shift and I will know. It was always going to be an issue when you make your hobby, your job.

Anyway a job is a job. It doesn't define you but if you are spending eight hours a day there, it better inspire you.

New year, new beginnings... change is apparently a good thing

So I've started the new job, and its baby steps.

There are a few things I love; a few things that I like; and there is one or two things that sit uncomfortably in one's mind.

Love it goes on. My team is lovely, the topics I am working on are fantastic. I can't say enough about how much better it is than my last job, which sucked beyond belief.

The things I like, I could learn to love but probably best to leave at arms length then try to understand. One of my colleagues isn't warming to me but she is polite and nice to me but I don't think she is terribly fond of me. I don't like that but I think its only been a month... how could she not love me. ;o)

The things that I don't like could be minor if I just let it go and I am starting to but only because it will just do my head in and I don't want to think about it because that's what I naturally do; overthink.

All in all I am happy. The job is different but they do say, a change is as good as a holiday.

I would rather the holiday than the change. ;o) Although its only January.