I have been keeping a secret, my parents have decided that they need some time apart and after over 30 years of marriage are living in separate houses.
Now they are not calling it a separation, more of time apart while they sort their shit out.
Other than the obvious pain this is causing me, the fact they are not telling anyone is putting immense pressure, emotionally and mentally, on my brothers and I.
Honestly, I can't deal with it any more and the stress is starting to impact my life. And why?
It's not like I didn't see it coming, it was in the making since I was 13 years old... I am now 28. So its no surprise but it still doesn't lessen the pain or shock of their decision.
So tonight I went to dinner at my father's place and I knew he was already in a bad mood the moment I walked in. I sat down, did the small talk and then my brother made a snippy comment about something and the gloves were off (later he admitted that he was dealing with some personal shit, nothing to do with the family but still that was said later).
I then talked about place-mats and mentioned something about ones you can find that are easy to wipe down than clothes mats but I had to say it twice and sighed. My father saw it as a criticism of him and that I thought he was going into dementia. Whereas I saw it as maybe I was talking too fast and needed to slow down. I have been told I talk way too fast and can turn into mumbling so I said did I talk too fast, he saw the comment as patronising. I don't see why. It was about me talking too fast and I do but still...
Anyway it descended into a crap-hole and my brother and I left. I didn't want to leave it like that but I had no voice and we left. Now I am feeling like shit and guilty. I am reliving the conversation in my head trying to see where I could have shut my mouth and said nothing but I can't tip toe around my family. I won't do it but maybe I have to for a while..
I just need to start distancing myself and getting my life back on track.
I can't be worrying about them because they need to start sorting their shit out between the two of them, and the two of them only.
Arrgggghhhh!!! Life is freaking hard sometimes.
I just want hug them and make it all better but sometimes there is so much a daughter can do.
3 comments:
I agree, Dani, there's only so much a daughter can do. They are the parents... you don't need to be the one to look after them. They sound to me like they are trying to do the best thing, for themselves and for each other... so... hard as it is, perhaps it is better to give yourself some space from the whole situation for a while, and let them sort it out. Tough though... I feel for you. x
Thanks Kaz.
That's really great advice. I will do it. I need space and need to realise I can't fix it.
I really appreciate the support. xoxox
I'm so sorry to hear this :o(
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