I am going back to my happy place

I'm angry.

I'm frustrated.

I just got a call from my mother, asking me why I was wasn't visiting at her work today. One reason, you are working, and second, I never said I would. Then she proceeds to get upset (and no one wants to hear that) and I can hear myself folding like a chair. I say: I will come visit her at work now, she says no because her friend is visiting her soon and then they are catching up after she finishes. WTF!!!!

So why make me feel like a total bitch because I don't feel like going to the shops and catching up when you are working. F**k. I am little angry right now. It will pass.

I am refusing to drive to her because I always do it. I always fold because its that guilt. I still folded though. I suggested catching up during my lunch break during work (so I have an excuse to leave and go back to work). And again I feel like a bitch for that.

Why do my parents, particularly my mother, feel that somehow I am beholded to them after 15 years of being front and centre in their marriage (if you call it that) of yelling, screaming, name calling and bitterness. Its affected me. And I hate that. That's why I am getting angry.

When children grow up, they create lives for themselves. They build their own worlds. Not for my parents, I have to drop everything when they call, be dragged to weekly dinners, made to feel guilty because I don't call every day to say hi.

That guilt is probably a creation of my own doing and not theirs but I learnt from the best.

My brothers don't have this problem. They can switch off. Hang up the phone and go on about their lives. Why can't I do that? I just sit her and stew. That's fucked. (yeah I swore). My brain needs to be re-wired.

Writing this blog is a way for me to vent because its the stewing that fucks me over. It makes me sit up at night, not sleeping, and reliving things in my head, over and over again.

I'm not having that.

No sir bob.

Up until an hour ago, I had the BEST long weekend. I spent it relaxing with my boyfriend, hanging out, playing games, eating chocolate. Just being happy.

I am going back to my happy place. :-)

UPDATE: Happy place achieved. Much quicker this time too. I smiling away and have no cares right now. I could almost break out in a dance.