Rock bottom

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better.

I also fully saw how loved I am and supported I am by a group of wonderful people around me. People who are worried about me, and who want me to be happy. Knowing that, can be a little emotional and overwhelming. It is also quite strengthening and uplifting.

And while I write this, I can feel the tears coming on BUT more importantly, I am smiling.

It is a wonderful feeling.

It is a wonderful feeling to know, who actually does care about you, when you are feeling down.

And who is around to help you up, and stand next to you to make sure you are steady on your feet.

I haven't 'recovered' or been 'cured' because that would be too simplistic. But i know this is a time in my life that I just need some extra help, someone to talk to, and to reassess my priorities in my life. More importantly, to see what is ahead of me, more positively and with a big smile. Because what is ahead of me is wonderful. I am very excited. And I can't wait.

The tears may still come for a little longer but ill let them. I need it. Because I am not 'fine' but I will be.

For the very first time, I went to a counsellor yesterday, to talk about what is happening with me, and why I'm not coping. This process of talking to a stranger, who analyses you like a case study in a text book, makes me uncomfortable but everything I have tried before hasn't work, so why not. That's my motto this year. Try something new, try something you have never done before. And if it doesn't work, well you tried. Can't argue with that. Better to try than not, I say.

She was a great listener and gave me some reassurance that I will be ok. And its not the last time I will see her but I almost feel a little lighter since my chat with her. I even laughed today. A genuine laugh, not faked. And it didnt make me tired. It was really nice. Even my boss "noted" that I laughed and she very happy to see me laugh again. As was I.

So what happens next? No idea. I have blocked my mother from all contact, even doctor's advice. I need space and quiet from her drama.

But I need most is my wonderful man, and fabulous friends, around me. I am very grateful for them and their watchful eye. :o)

Thanks kids.