Only if you learn from it.
I think the past few months, I have been at times irrational, dramatic,
paranoid, short tempered, emotional and sleep deprived.
And this is all because of a job.
Why did I take it to the extreme? I saw no way out of my job. A job that
was affecting every aspects of my being, be that physical or mental. It was eroding
my identity and I was allowing it.
The thing is I have done this before. I’m no stranger to this. The only
other time this has happened was when I made the decision to move to London
when I was 26.
I was working in the very team I am leaving in three weeks, and the same
thoughts/feelings were still there as they are today. My job was killing me
(not in the literal sense) because I was working long hours, and thought that
by doing that, I would be recognised for that and handsomely rewarded. I wasn’t,
and I am still waiting for the reward.
I decided to move to London after a dear friend of mine passed away and
everything just changed so suddenly. I decided after attending his funeral to
buy a ticket to London. Honestly, I thought
it was the best decision I made and to this day, it remains one of the best
decisions I have ever made.
However, on the day of my flight, I lost my shit. So to speak.
I was no longer in control of the situation, I didn’t have a home
organised in London, I didn’t have a job to go to, hell, I hardly knew anyone
except two people (and one of them moved to London a month prior and had no luck
finding a place). So you can imagine all the feelings and thoughts rushing
through my mind on the day I was supposed to fly out.
My family beared witness to a very strange and surreal experience. And
again it was over the top and unnecessary.
I am a woman who was used to being in the driver’s seat; a woman who
was used to being in control of every minor detail; a woman who at the age of
26 years had never experienced complete and utter chaos.
The past three months or so have been a grey fog. No end in sight and
no idea how to get my shit together. I instead bitched and moaned about how
everything sucked and nothing would change it. What I should have done was get
my shit together from the beginning and make the change I wanted instead of
listening to everyone around me (primarily my boss) telling me what I should
do.
These people were not asking me what I wanted, and for a while I decided
to give up and just let it happen.
I let it go for far too long and I regret because it pushed to a place
where I just became a shell of who I am.
I am independent. I am strong. I am confident. I am assertive.
However, for the past three months I became a pathetic mess, weak,
self-loathing, and worst of all, a defeatist. That’s not me. It has never been
me and yet, in my eyes, I became that person and accepted it.
What I have learnt from this is that I need to stop over thinking. I need to just my instincts because it has never failed me and usually my first instinct is always the right one.
I will no longer be loyal to any job or any boss. I spent the past
eight years being loyal to one boss and to one team, and in the end, it counted
for nothing. Yes I got the skills and the training to move on and change my
career but if I had done a half arsed job I still would have obtained the same
skills and training but without the disenchantment I feel today.
And most importantly, I learnt that I need to ask the questions that I might
feel are too hard to ask or that I am scared of what the answer will be. I know thought that if I don’t ask the
question/s, I will always be wondering what that person across from me really
thinks… feels.
It’s the unknown that stops me from taking the leap.
I know now that I have nothing to fear and if anyone tries to pull me
back then I know what to do with them.
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